TORONTO – Despite the fluctuating temperatures this fall, the opening of outdoor rinks across the city has coincided with another holiday tradition: the arrival of strange gentlemen who always jive, gyrate and sway while ice-skating.
“We were worried that due to the warm weather these men would have nowhere to boogey down in public”, said Mayor John Tory. “But winter has come to this great city allowing strange and somewhat creepy dudes to promenade while Top 40 staples blast on repeat.”
City officials were excited to welcome back the men who turn the experience of a bunch of people skating in a circle into a surrealist experiment where people pretend not to watch the man skating backwards while twerking.
“Last year’s late winter prevented many of these men from showing off their moves in way-too-tight long johns, until far into December,” remarked city maintenance officer Fred Jenkins. “They would all just stand around Nathan Phillips Square staring at the pool of water, humming Katy Perry together. I’m so happy that won’t be happening this year.”
“Our numbers have dropped significantly since the 90’s due to the changing climate and the rise of flash mobbing,” commented stake-dancer Gerald Huffman. “But for those of us left, the opening of public skating rinks feels just as good as what I imagine knowing the touch of another human being is like.”
Children and adults across the city are now anxiously awaiting that inevitable moment when one of these carefree oddballs goes ass over teakettle.
