TORONTO – For the first time ever, engineers at the University of Toronto have successfully built a scalable reactor capable of cold Asian fusion.
“Make no mistake, this is the most important finding of the 21st century,” said lead researcher Jerry Holt during the announcement ceremony at Convocation Hall while munching on a cheeseburger pad thai. “The symbiosis of quantum field theory and molecular gastronomy has permitted us to design a device that produces banh mi fries at rates unlike anything we’ve observed before.”
While Asian fission reactors, which now number in the hundred thousands, have been efficiently outputting dishes like steamed buns, sushi and kimchi since the early 20th century, theoretical complexities underpinning Asian fusion meant that, until now, steamed bun hamburgers, sushi burritos and kimchi ramen poutine were extremely difficult to produce in standard conditions.
Despite the technology being largely “clean and safe,” Canadian Minister of Health Jane Philpott has advised people to limit their yearly dose of Asian fusion cuisine.
“The average resident of downtown Toronto is naturally exposed to some amount of Asian fusion every year,” said Philpott. “However, experiments have shown that eating bacon fried rice more than three times a week increases one’s long-term risk of malignancies.”
Canada has also received intelligence suggesting that North Korea is attempting to build its own Asian fusion plant, but the sanctions imposed on the country mean it is next to impossible for it to acquire brioche buns for this purpose.
At press time, a small leak at the world’s first Asian fusion-based power plant on Queen St. was contained, but not before releasing a small amount of appropriation.
