Victoria, BC – Health Canada admitted this morning that a new sexually transmitted infection has been discovered in nursing home resident Gladys Newcombe.
“This new STI causes terrible pains in the extremities, vision loss, and painful hives,” said lead researcher Evan Chaplin. “Originally we thought it also caused a deep love of hard candies, but her family assures us this characteristic pre-dated the infection.”
The infection arose when the gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia and herpes already present in the body of the horny 87 year old began to co-mingle, forming the bacteria octogenerious conolingui. Health Canada appears to be quite distressed by the outbreak. Dr. Chaplin advised:
“They just won’t stop fucking. We’ve tried everything. Taking them on trips to wear them out, bringing cute kids to play with them, spraying them with a garden hose and saying ‘no!’ None of it worked.”
Reports indicate that a recent shuffleboard tournament may have sparked the new STI outbreak, as sources inside the nursing home confirm that such events regularly turn into “fuck fests”. Care workers grudgingly report walking in on elderly residents engaged in various sex acts, including “The Walk-In Tub”, “The Reverse Davy Crockett”, a “Golden Girls Marathon”, and in one particularly mentally scarring instance, a “Rusty Sousaphone”.
With steady pensions to spend and a hatred of condoms almost as great as their hatred of driving home after dark, the “old people fucking” rate has jumped astronomically in recent years. According to recent studies, the rate of STIs in nursing homes has now surpassed the rate in university dorms.
Speaking to reporters as she composed long, thoughtful, handwritten letters to each of her recent sexual partners, Gladys did not appear to be too concerned about her new condition.
“I’m 87 years old. The only things I still enjoy doing are playing with my grandkids and having rough, bareback sex. And if that is going to kill me, well sweetie, we all have to die of something.”
Gladys then advised the gathered reporters that their mothers must be very proud of them for having such important jobs.
