TORONTO – Tensions are high on the 7 Bathurst bus this morning, as local man Michael Burke’s balls have become itchy only minutes after beginning his morning commute to work.
“This is bad, real bad,” said Burke, who had gone pale and whose clammy hands were now glued to his knees. “I’ve got at least 10 more stops to go. And then the subway.”
Burke has spent the last few minutes nervously surveying the other commuters, looking at TTC ads, and checking the time on his phone. “I really messed up. I just took my phone out, when I could have gone for the covert scratch. Stupid, stupid, stupid.”
“At first I was in denial,” continued Burke. “I tried to convince myself that it was just my inner thigh. But eventually I had to confront the demonstrable fact that my balls are itchy.”
While Burke now faces a dire situation, he has found a few sympathisers. “I really feel for the guy,” said bus driver Franklin Durst. “I mean, I’ve seen this kill people before. It’s a bad way to go, I tell you.”
Others present have taken a more indifferent view of the situation. “His balls are just itchy?” commented commuter Sandra Neely. “Oh thank god, I thought he was tweaking on something.”
At press time, Burke had devised strategy and is now anxiously biding his time. “There’s somebody playing their iPod on speaker in the back, and they’re sitting beside a white man in his 50’s. When that situation inevitably escalates it might be a long enough distraction.
“If it isn’t, tell my family that I love them, and I’m so sorry.”
