VANCOUVER – It’s the hottest thing since ‘reverse belts’, but women across Canada are now obsessed with transforming their cut-off jeans into full-length pants.
“I call them shlongs”, gushed Gillian Tyson, a self-proclaimed fashionista and Project Runway aficionado. “You know, like long shorts.”
This trendy new trend started when west coast fishermen began taking discarded cut-off jeans and sewing pant legs onto them during winter squalls.
“Once we started seeing guys with big bushy red beards who smelled of dead fish and squid brains doing it, we knew we had to copy them.”, remarked Zadie Daniels, owner of Vancouver’s most popular pop-up retrofitted cut-off boutique, Hemin’ Denim.
“Each shlong has a story and takes several weeks to produce” she explained, “First we used ethically clipped cut-off jeans. Unwanted Tobias Fünke costumes work best but last week we found a box of daisy dukes behind a male strip club that were to die for.”
Once she has the reclaimed shorts Daniels buys authentic mom jeans from a Sears discount bin, removes the legs, then sews the ensemble together with thread made from the beards of local klezmer musicians. It’s incredibly intricate and worth around $700.
Variant styles have emerged as this steamy new trend has begun trending. In Montreal some women have been spotted sporting four or five pairs of cut-offs stitched together making one pair of pants. “They’re called, Cut-ons and they are so sexy you could get an STI just from looking at them” screamed 14 year-old Heather Burger to her mother in hopes she’d buy her a pair.
So make sure that you run out and buy your full-length-cut-off-jeans now before cheep poser losers start making their own and ruin yet another fabulously futile fashion craze.
