OTTAWA – Hours after the dusty light bulb in the corner of every office inside the National Defence Headquarters began to flash red, the entire civilian and military staff of the building remains at a loss as to what it means.
“Oh boy, red, that’s traditionally a bad colour for a light, right?” Said John Forster, deputy Minister of National Defence. “Unless it’s red for Canada? Like, we’re doing really good?”
“Oh, nope, I guess not,” Forster added, as the flashing red light was joined by a loud klaxon.
While many civil servants and military officials have served in the building for decades, none of them remember whether the flashing red light refers to some sort of fire drill, a nuclear emergency, or something even worse.
“Well, Newfoundland isn’t sinking again, the cyberfenians aren’t attacking, and Canuck Gundam hasn’t gone rogue,” said Chief of the Defence Staff, General Jonathan Vance. “Has anybody checked on our extremely secret stockpile of nuclear weapons?”
Vance then wiped his forehead in relief, after being told that yes, that stockpile still did not exist.
“The light’s probably too old to mean Islamic terrorists,” said Defence Minister Harjit Sajjan. “So I guess that leaves either communists, nazis, or aliens.”
“I’m god-damned if I’m going to build you another pyramid you martian sons of bitches,” added Sajjan, shouting, as he grabbed a sidearm from a military attaché and began to blast at the empty sky.
Although the flashing and klaxon have since been replaced by a constant red light and a high-pitched ringing noise, even retired members of the military and government are uncertain as to the cause.
“I have no idea what that light means,” said John Turner, Canada’s oldest living Prime Minister. “But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that things like this always have Diefenbaker’s fingerprints all over them.”
As of press time, the coffee machine in the break room still hadn’t been refilled.
