ST. JOHN’S – The entire world was thrown into chaos this week, as 6 year old Tyler Smith’s request that “I wish Christmas was already here” as he fell asleep was inexplicably and cruelly granted, and every calendar switched from November 27th to December 25th overnight.
“I woke up this morning and suddenly I’m missing a month of my life,” recounted terrified local man Jim Nelson. “I love Christmas, but right now this gnawing feeling in my soul that something terrible has happened is kind of preventing me from getting into the holiday spirit.”
Nelson quickly joined a panicked mob, who were similarly horrified by the unexplained re-shaping of reality itself. While preparing to throw a brick through the window of a Best Buy in protest against the cosmos for torturing him so, he added, “On the plus side, this riot is a perfect time to pick up that iPad my wife was hinting at.”
While Smith’s wish was likely innocent, he could scarcely have foreseen the catastrophic toll it would wreak on the planet. The baffling appearance of twinkling Christmas snow in sub-Saharan Africa has destroyed a year’s yield of wheat and grain. A mother who was 9 months pregnant when she went to sleep woke up to the sound of a crying 3 week old baby she had no memory of delivering.
Meanwhile, NASA scientists confirmed that while the planet seems to have survived its orbit being skipped forward to Christmas Day, it is impossible to know whether the Earth’s core will soon destabilize and kill us all.
In his hastily prepared annual holiday address, President Obama speculated, “Some believe this little boy’s wish was granted by The Lord Almighty God himself, thus proving His existence. I contend that no merciful God would enact His will in such an arbitrary manner.” Obama concluded, “Still, Happy Holidays from the White House,” before grabbing a shotgun and barricading himself in the East Wing.
“Who knows, maybe this is actually some grand experiment conducted by an unknowably powerful race of alien observers,” hypothesized Marilyn Riley, pausing briefly from the rabid mob. “But hey, at least all these planes falling out of the sky mean my in-laws probably won’t be coming.”
Scientists and theologians alike are bereft of answers, as human minds the world over struggle to cope with the sheer staggering terror of this mercurial new reality. Numerous doomsday cults have also emerged, claiming that the seemingly omnipotent 6-year-old Tyler Smith is clearly the Antichrist, foretold in the Book of Revelation.
Reached for comment, Smith exclaimed, “Cool, a train set”, whilst his parents screamed and screamed.
