NEW YORK – NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman has announced that the next winner of the Kraft Hockeyville competition will go to a town in Arizona, Nevada, or New Mexico instead of a small Canad…
Tag: NHL
RCMP warns of increased sectarian violence ahead of NHL’s new All-Canadian division
OTTAWA, ON – The RCMP has issued a Media Advisory warning Canadians of an increase in bloodshed, property damage and general assholery due to the NHL’s creation of an All-Canadian division,…
All-Canadian NHL Division contributes to national unity by causing fans to hate all the other Canadian teams
NEW YORK – Rejoicing at the NHL’s nation-building project, Canadian hockey fans are ready to absolutely hate every opposing Canadian team. The new North Conference places all of the country…
Nation starts GoFundMe for Jon Hamm so he doesn’t have to do any more Skip The Dishes ads
OTTAWA – The nation of Canada has come together to raise money for struggling actor Jon Hamm so he doesn’t need to do any more of those god awful Skip The Dishes ads. “I know th…
In return for $4 million from Alberta, NHL players staff busy ICUs
EDMONTON – The $4 million given to the NHL from the province of Alberta will be put to good use now that they’ve drafted NHL players as doctors, nurses, and other medical technicians. “We a…
Breaking: Stanley Cup won 6 days ago
TORONTO OR EDMONTON – Late reports indicate a team has won the NHL’s Stanley Cup nearly a week ago. The two ice hockey squads played four to seven matches sometime in late September for the…
Tough NHL players able to play through injuries, civil rights movements
TORONTO – Proving once again that they are the toughest professional athletes on planet Earth, NHL players took to the ice last night, overcoming a litany of injuries and moral qualms about…
“How could the ref not see that?” yells hockey fan willfully blind to sport’s co-opting by far right
VANCOUVER – Local man Dominic Derkins was furious at the refs for missing an obvious call in last night’s game, wondering if they are hard of sight while he and all other hockey fans …
Leafs bring comfort and normalcy during tough times by collapsing in playoffs
TORONTO – Seeking to restore a bit of familiarity to hockey fans living in such uncertain times The Toronto Maple Leafs are upholding their long-standing tradition of just shitting the bed …
To maintain home ice advantage NHL pipes in audio of fans yelling insults about opposing players’ mothers
TORONTO – In an effort to make the play in tournament and playoffs feel as realistic as possible despite the lack of fans in the stands the NHL has begun playing audio clips of fans drunken…
