London, ON – Awaking with a throbbing headache, parched lips, nausea, a general desire for a swift demise and all the other tell-tale signs of a hangover, Jack Bennington was seized by a familiar…
Tag: Featured Post
NRA accused of embezzling thoughts and prayers
MANHATTAN – The attorney general of New York has launched a lawsuit alleging the National Rifle Association has engaged in decades-long fraud involving the embezzlement of members’ thoughts…
Doug Ford pleads with own reflection to let him lower class sizes
TORONTO – After saying that if it was up to him he’d keep class sizes at 5 kids due to the COVID pandemic, Ontario Premier Doug Ford was spotted pleading with his reflection to let him lowe…
“Oops, I left my mask in the car,” says man who does not own a mask or a car
Every grocery store, Canada – The guy who spent 45 minutes inside the store already without a mask has now alerted one of the employees he left it in his car despite not owning a mask or a …
Libertarian friend apparently doesn’t believe in regulating speaking volume either
OTTAWA – Matt Martin, a self-proclaimed ‘classic libertarian of the Adam Smith school’, does not favour intrusive regulation of the economy or daily life, and apparently believe…
Football fan itching to see long-term brain damage in person again
CLEVELAND, OH – As many worry about the start of the NFL season amid Covid-19, Cleveland Browns’ fan Scoot Donnel has been eagerly anticipating returning to the stands to watch his team exp…
To maintain home ice advantage NHL pipes in audio of fans yelling insults about opposing players’ mothers
TORONTO – In an effort to make the play in tournament and playoffs feel as realistic as possible despite the lack of fans in the stands the NHL has begun playing audio clips of fans drunken…
94% of Social Distance Hang spent talking about whether everyone is far enough apart
Belleville, ON – A group of friends enjoying a social distance hang in one of their backyards spent nearly all of their time talking about whether they were all at least 6 feet apart. ̶…
New border rules require Americans to hold breath from BC to Alaska
VANCOUVER – The BC government announced new regulations that will require all American travellers going to and from Alaska to hold their breath for the duration of their trip through the pr…
Trump suggests delaying election until everyone dead
WASHINGTON D.C. – Citing issues with voting by mail, U.S. President Donald Trump suggested a delay to November’s presidential election to just after disease and destruction consumes h…
