Mass shooting in _________, USA kills ___
__________, USA — Up to ___ people were killed and ____ more injured after a gunman opened fire at a ________. There were conflicting reports about casualties, but _______ from _______Count…
New Plutocratic Party supporter going to strategically vote Conservative
CALGARY – After determining that his party was unlikely to win, New Plutocratic Party supporter Harris Wilkes has decided to hold his nose and vote for Stephen Harper. “Of course, I’d love …
Every federal election candidate resigns after using social media
OTTAWA – All 1,792 candidates running for Canada’s next member of Parliament have announced their resignation after using Twitter and Facebook to express their views for the past ten years.…
NDP hires Michael Ignatieff as campaign advisor
OTTAWA – In order to temper their early-campaign momentum and avoid “growing too quickly,” the New Democratic Party of Canada has hired academic and former Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff as the…
‘Insure’ or ‘ensure’ makes citizens unsure
WHITEHORSE — An advisory sign use of ‘insure’ instead of ‘ensure’ has made citizens unsure and increasingly insecure. “At first I was cocksure it was ‘insure’ before the city decided to pro…
Carly Fiorina vows to end funding for Planned Parenthood baby BBQs
WASHINGTON – Currently polling at 2nd place in the Republican Primary race, Carly Fiorina vowed that if elected, she would personally end funding for Planned Parenthood’s “widely-known prac…
Maury leaders debate entertains studio audience
TORONTO — Last night on a special Canadian political episode of the Maury Povich Show, three men all claimed that they love Canada and know what’s best for it, but only one can win its hear…
Nestlé purchases full ownership rights to Mars water
WASHINGTON, DC – The Nestlé corporation announced today that it had already purchased full ownership rights to the water flowing underneath the surface of Mars, prior to NASA’s announcement…
Federal election campaign enters third geological age
OTTAWA – Two renowned Canadian geologists published a high-profile paper this morning finding that, with three weeks to Election Day, the 2015 federal campaign has officially outlasted two major …
September 28, 1972: Paul Henderson’s goal causes World War III
MOSCOW — Team Canada’s Paul Henderson’s game winning goal against the Soviet Union in the Summit Series has unleashed a nuclear apocalypse against the West. Immediately after Henderson reco…
