Conservative civil servant has a deep mistrust in self
OTTAWA – A public servant for the federal government and card carrying Conservative Party member has a deep lack of trust in himself and the job that he works at. Larry Carmichael states hi…
Report: dime still not subway token
TORONTO – Despite being certain that he had finally found the missing subway token in his jacket pocket, local man Ryan Malan discovered it was, yet again, nothing but a dime. “I looked in …
Police unearth extended metaphor for student debt near York U Campus
TORONTO – An underground emblem for university arrears and the difficulty of paying them off has been discovered near the Rexall Centre at York University. According to authorities, the symbol is…
Government asks child pornographers to hold off until they balance budget
OTTAWA – In light of the $10 million in cuts to the RCMP’s anti-child pornography agenda, the Conservative government is asking pedophiles to lay off for a bit while they balance the books.…
Ezra Levant says key to new network’s success will be keeping cats out of living room
Since the downfall of The Sun News Network, conservative commentator Ezra Levant has announced that he will launch The Rebel, an online media network, from his living room as soon as he can get h…
Strip searches allowed in Quebec schools so long as staff respectfully compliment students’ sexiness
Following a report in a Montréal newspaper about a 15-year-old who was searched for drugs, Quebec Education Minister Yves Bolduc has said high school staff are permitted to strip-search students,…
RCMP arrest radical eco-terrorists planting trees 50 km from pipeline
PRINCE GEORGE – RCMP have arrested seven radicalized eco-terrorists in connection to a plot to plant trees near an oil sands pipeline. The trees were said to pose as a barricade to future p…
Feds: Lululemon pants banned at citizenship ceremonies, hides women’s true shape
OTTAWA – Citizenship Minister Chris Alexander has declared all women wearing Lululemon pants will be prohibited from taking their citizenship oath stating that the pants clearly cover up th…
Local politician apologizes for arachnophobic slur
OSHAWA, ON – After a firestorm of controversy erupted around her use of the phrase ‘creepy-crawly’ last week, local MP Pauline Douglas has apologized for her arthropodist remarks. “I did no…
Edward Snowden sick of Vladimir Putin just wanting to hang out all the time
MOSCOW – According to sources, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is getting sick and tired of having to spend much of his day “chilling” with Russian President, Vladimir Putin. Snowden, who …
