Canada Post hires former FLQ members to blow up community mailboxes

MONTREAL — In what will be a tremendous task of removing thousands of community mailboxes, Canada Post has hired former members of Quebec’s defunct separatist paramilitary group to destroy …

Full-grown snake only 4th most terrifying thing in bar bathroom

DEER CREVICE, ON – A group of university students reportedly received their 4th biggest shock of the night after discovering a full-grown snake inside the washroom of local dive bar, “Arty’…

Ghost of Samuel de Champlain stuck in rush hour traffic on Champlain bridge

MONTREAL — After establishing a spectral fur-trading post on the island of Montreal, Monday, the ghost of Samuel de Champlain was caught in evening rush hour traffic as he headed south on h…

City of Calgary to rename unemployment office after Stephen Harper

CALGARY – City officials have announced that they will move to rename the municipal office that handles employment insurance and welfare claims after soon to be former Prime Minister Stephe…

Geriatric riot erupts after Stuart Mclean show cancelled

EDMONTON — A live show of Stuart Mclean’s Vinyl Cafe show scheduled to appear in Edmonton was cancelled causing a riot among disappointed octogenarians and retirees . After the venue announ…

WHO report convinces chain smoker to give up red meat

TORONTO – Citing a new study from the World Health Organization linking red and processed meats to cancer, lifelong smoker Sofia Vial has vowed to never again eat bacon, ham, sausages, steak, or …

Used mirror still has old owner’s reflection in it

DEER CREVICE, ON – Local woman Lauren Badami is considering returning a defective antique mirror she purchased that still reflects the cold, grey likeness of a man she assumes was its previ…

Irving lays off province of New Brunswick

SAINT JOHN, N.B. — At a press conference this morning J.D. Irving Ltd. announced that they were going to start “folding up operation” of the bilingual province of 751,171 people. “New Bruns…

Progressives applaud nation’s willingness to take powerful man seriously despite good looks

OTTAWA—Following the election of Justin Trudeau as Canada’s next Prime Minister, advocates for equality and civility in political discourse have congratulated Canadian voters for demonstrating th…

Local man no longer talking about job he’s “totally gonna get”

MONTREAL – A local man’s group of friends have grown suspicious of his silence on the topic of the job he was “totally gonna get”. A neighbourhood cafe where three men convene several times…