Ford to bring alcohol to corner stores, in bid to get Ontario drunk enough to re-elect him

QUEEN’S PARK – Premier Doug Ford has announced the province will soon allow alcohol sales in convenience stores and gas stations, in hopes that Ontarians will get so recklessly blitzed that…

Asshole overusing perfume has temerity to be offended at you holding your nose

GATINEAU, QC ― For reasons unknown to civil society, the jackass who just got off a crowded elevator cloaked in a cloud of vile, sickly-sweet toxic gas with a five-meter radius thinks that you’re…

Housecat painfully aware of how much owner’s mental health is riding on his tummy being so fluffy

WINNIPEG – In a rare display of feline self-awareness, George, an 8-year-old housecat, expressed concern over the fact that his owner Elizabeth’s mental health and happiness seemed to revol…

Weird, did you know they have conservatorships for men too?

Stop what you’re doing and prepare to panic. A new examination of American law has found that even male adults can be placed under a conservatorship. While statistically unlikely, it seems …

Apple farmers to spend winter relaxing, inventing 50 000 new varieties

Hemmingford, QC – Local apple farmer, Bud Timberson, just finished the last of his deliveries for the season and he’s quite excited about it. “Well my back hurts, my feet hurt, but overall …

Inspiring: This man isn’t locked into a long, expensive contract with Rogers

TORONTO – While people all across the country find themselves stuck in costly, multi-year contracts with Rogers Communications, Shohei Ohtani, a professional baseball player from Ōshū, Iwate, Jap…

Most popular Christmas Gifts in each Province

Canadians buy a lot of Christmas Presents. And while most should be from the Beaverton Merch Store, some aren’t. Here is our list of the most popular Christmas Presents in every province. N…

Leafs fake injury to star rookie goaltender to save 750k on the Cap

TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs plan to circumvent the NHL’s Salary Cap continued again last night, with the team staging an obviously fake injury to Joseph Woll in order to save on…

Tortorella convenes press conference to talk about how much he hates press conferences

PHILADELPHIA – Following the Philadelphia Flyers’ morning skate, coach John Tortorella held a press conference to detail his hatred for press conferences. “I asked you all to come her…

Frustrated driver keeps one wheel in bike lane to show cyclists how it’s used

TORONTO, ON ― Fed up with cyclists slowing traffic in the car lanes they’re legally entitled to use, local driver Hugh Weaver is taking it upon himself to show them how it’s done. “I never unders…