Conservatives announce new campaign slogan: “You Think You’re Better Than Me?!”
OTTAWA – The Conservative Party of Canada announced its campaign slogan for the next election will be “You think you’re better than me?!” “Nothing encapsulates the c…
Alley behind church unholiest place in town
INNISFIL — A recent survey of local satanists has revealed that the alley behind St. Barnabas Catholic Church is officially the unholiest place in town, edging out the slaughterhouse, the abandon…
Should the Leafs be worried about Auston Matthews’ assist drought?
TORONTO – Hockey insiders are starting to raise alarm bells about Auston Matthews inability to put up assists early in the 2023-2024 NHL season. “Yeah yeah it’s early, but 0 ass…
Genocide enthusiast jazzed to see so many people embrace his hobby
CALGARY – Local accountant and mass murder aficionado Larry Jones is tickled pink to witness the recent surge in media and political support for his favourite crime against humanity. “Norma…
Premiers wonder how many Charter violations they can sneak in while everyone is focused on Israel-Palestine
OTTAWA – The nation’s Provincial Premiers are hoping to use this moment of international strife and calamity to work in a few more Charter violations using The Notwithstanding Clause while …
Nation’s cyclists mortified after learning that stop signs and red lights apply to them too
OTTAWA – Cyclists across the country expressed their deepest apologies today after learning that they weren’t actually allowed to run every red light and stop sign they come across. &…
Spineless fence-sitter thinks killing children is bad no matter who does it
MONTREAL – Local man Morgan Powell has been accused of both “ignoring the plight of Palestinians” and “hating the only democracy in the Middle East” for his controve…
Upscale cookbook assumes you can afford food
VANCOUVER — Celebrity chef Walton Fisch is facing widespread criticism for his latest cookbook, Fresh Fisch, which assumes its readers can afford to buy food. Virtually every recipe in the book c…
Report: Hot person’s soulmate also hot
VICTORIA, BC – In a completely unexpected turn of events, local heartthrob and solid 9.5, Mark Steele, has reportedly discovered his soulmate who, in a jaw-dropping twist of fate, is also s…
CRTC to regulate podcasts as soon as they figure out what a podcast is
OTTAWA – Hot on the heels of Bill C-18’s regulation of news on social media platforms, the CRTC announced a follow-up plan to regulate podcasts as soon as they figure out what a podca…
