Local children not at all scared by haunted House of Commons
OTTAWA – The federal government’s attempt to entertain young Halloween visitors fell flat on its face this year, as almost no child has reported being scared by the main attraction: a…
Tell us your fall Starbucks order, and we’ll tell you what kind of climate survivalist you’ll be
Leamington, ON– We all have our autumn rituals, and whether yours is drying off from the summer’s floods or cooling down from the summer’s forest fires, or both, The Beaverton has you covered. On…
Fixer-upper home has good bones, teeth
HALIFAX – A local 2-story home, recently purchased by Jeff and Priya Steinen, is being hailed as a sound investment due to the structure having “good bones”, as well as healthy teeth, hair,…
Most popular Halloween Costumes in each Province
It’s that spooky time of the year again, when kids and adults with drinking problems spend an inordinate amount of time planning out costumes that they will either look back on fondly or tr…
Dog-Walker Association latest company to eliminate plastic bags
TORONTO – In efforts to model sound environmental stewardship, the Dog-Walker Association of Ontario has become the latest company to eliminate plastic bags, along with every dog walkers’ s…
Charter Of Rights & Freedoms renamed Charter Of Long-Term Goals & General Guidelines
OTTAWA – With Conservative Premiers now freely using S. 33 to overrule any court ruling getting in the way of their agenda the federal government has announced plans to rename The Charter O…
Just to be cautious, Ontario announces Eglinton LRT will be open by the year 2236
TORONTO – In an effort to assuage concerns regarding the long overdue Eglinton Crosstown LRT, Premier Doug Ford has announced a cautiously optimistic opening date of 2236. “I’m very pleased to fi…
Maritime Weather Service updates hurricane season forecast from “gosh golly” to “holy cannoli”
HALIFAX – Following a stretch of above-average ocean temperatures and earlier-than-usual storm formation, meteorologists at Canada’s national weather service have officially updated the hur…
Free speech champions explain why it’s OK that people are being cancelled for criticizing Israel
As academics, celebrities and politicians face backlash and loss of work for condemning Israel’s bombing of the Gaza strip and treatment of Palestinians in general, we asked a number of peo…
Teacher struggling to indoctrinate child who never pays attention
REGINA, SK – Local school teacher Max Hammond is concerned that if one of his students doesn’t start focusing more in class, they will miss out on being forcibly led to adopt a more left-wi…
