Andrew Scheer shot with tranquilizer while wandering shirtless through the woods
GATINEAU PARK – Andrew Scheer was mistakenly shot with a tranquilizer earlier today, after the Opposition leader was spotted wandering through the trees of Gatineau Park without a shirt on.…
Couple calling each other “babe” after forgetting names five years ago
BRANDON, MA – Living together in quiet desperation in fear of being caught, a local couple has resorted to referring to each other as “babe” after both have completely forgotten what their …
Don’t we all own at least one property we forget about?
BY: BILL MORNEAU, MINISTER OF FINANCE When we formed the government the Prime Minister and I were determined to put the politics of division behind us and bring the country together. We did that …
Sears closure leaves nation’s mothers unsure where to buy you ill-fitting pants
WINNIPEG – Sears Canada has announced plans to close down all operations, leaving the nation’s mothers at a loss for a place to purchase you irregularly sized sweaters, marked-down belts, a…
Update: 3 minutes of vest-appropriate weather is here
BELLEVILLE, ON – At a ripe temperature of 16 degrees Celsius with heaping sun, Sidney Barrett excitedly donned a vest for the whole three minutes of vest-appropriate weather that exists in North …
Inspiring! Company sex robot appointed first female CEO of Uber
SAN FRANCISCO – Uber, the world-conquering ride share and regulation-dodging app, has taken the bold step of appointing its first ever female CEO: Ashlynn Haze, the company sex robot. “We realize…
STUDY: Shitty boyfriend will for sure change this time
DARTMOUTH, N.S. – Putting to rest any doubt in the minds of ex-girlfriends everywhere, a new study has found that – despite noticing an established pattern of selfish, inexcusable beh…
Montreal driver accidentally discovers turn signal while reaching for latte
MONTREAL – Driver Claude Williams was surprised to discover the turn signal on his Toyota RAV4 – a feature of his car thus far unknown to him and most Montreal drivers – while reaching for …
Twitter suspends Rose McGowan for not smiling enough
SAN FRANCISCO – American actress and director Rose McGowan was temporarily banned by Twitter this week after making several vocal statements about Harvey Weinstein and those complicit in hi…
CRA to impose 40% tax on short, fleeting moments when retail workers feel alive
OTTAWA – In a document posted on its website Canada Revenue Agency has announced that, moving forward, all of the country’s retail workers will be required to give the government 40% of the…
