Canada to honour Brian Mulroney with week of raised GST rate
OTTAWA – In response to the death of Brian Mulroney, Canada’s 18th Prime Minister, the government has announced the nation’s GST will be doubled for one week. “The flags will go down, and the ta…
Poilievre says “female spaces” should be reserved for “biological females” and “the men who control them”
OTTAWA – Conservative Party Leader Pierre Poilievre claimed after a question about trans women in sports, that “female spaces” should only be accessed by “biological females” and of course,…
“I won’t eat anything I can’t pronounce,” announces woman who cannot pronounce “bruschetta”
MARKHAM, ON ― Local yoga instructor and healthy-eating enthusiast Bella Lincoln recently announced her intention to stop tracking macros and calories, relying instead on a whole-foods diet. Summa…
Earth’s 2024 life hacks to be the hottest year ever
Earth, Milky Way – Earth has finally revealed the biggest life hacks it’s using to make 2024 its hottest year ever. Earth has taken millennia to develop the ideal morning routine. While it…
Extreme home makeover? This man washed his sheets
PORT PERRY – Local man Kyle Thompson surprised friends and family last week with the results of an extreme home makeover that was months – maybe even years – in the making: he washed his be…
Malfunctioning embryo freezer charged with mass murder
HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA – Due to recent changes in Alabama state legislation, a malfunctioning embryo freezer has been charged with mass murder. The accused cryopreservation appliance recently …
MDMA pharmaceutical trial shut down for being too fucking fun
TORONTO – Ontario Health has halted a recent MDMA pharmaceutical trial out of concerns that the therapeutic impacts patients were experiencing was at this time considered too utterly amazeb…
Collapsing Vice Media assures devastated journalists that upper level management will be fine
BROOKLYN, N.Y. – Vice Media began informing journalists today that they’ve been laid off as the struggling company pivots away from producing news in favour of a business model in which inv…
Conservatives announce that Loblaws will be exclusive distributors of new Porn IDs
OTTAWA – Conservative Leader Pierre Poilievre has already announced an exclusive deal that would see his government’s newly-proposed Porn IDs sold exclusively at Loblaws grocery store…
Ukrainian military discovers Canadian “drones” just old Sea Kings with GoPros taped on
KYIV, UKRAINE – Following the announcement that Canada will provide 800 drones to aid in the Ukrainian war effort to repel Russia’s invasion, military officers in Ukraine report that …
