Carney kills carbon tax, all Poilievre’s dreams

OTTAWA — After being sworn in as Canada’s new Prime Minister yesterday, Mark Carney’s first official act was to kill the carbon tax, and by doing so, killing all of Pierre Poilievre’s hopes and d…

“Oh, he’s never done that before,” says owner as dog kills seventh victim

EDMONTON – As her five-year-old Yorkshire Terrier disembowelled his latest victim, owner Krissie Powell has assured horrified onlookers that Buster never behaves like this. “Oh my gosh, I don’t k…

Experts fear Trump administration will corrupt beacon of integrity Doug Ford

WASHINGTON D.C. – With Ontario Premier Doug Ford currently visiting White House officials, some analysts are concerned US President Donald Trump might try to corrupt the earnest. “Up here i…

Mark Carney promises to grow every Canadians’ Optimum points

OTTAWA – Liberal Leader candidate Mark Carney vows to improve the PC Optimum points situation for every Canadian. Speaking to a group of financial experts at the International Banking Feder…

Tim Hortons to release names of everyone who failed Roll Up the Rim skill testing question

Toronto, ON – Coffee lovers, rejoice! Roll Up the Rim to Win is back… with a twist. This year, Tim Hortons will publicly shame all customers who incorrectly answer the skill-testing question on t…

Trump replaces plane crashes with stock market crash

WASHINGTON D.C. – Faced with a growing number of airplane crashes caused in part by aggressive cuts to FAA staffing, President Donald Trump has solved the problem by pivoting his focus towa…

Pierre Poilievre blows dust off old “he didn’t come back for you” attack ad DVD

OTTAWA – With US-educated former Bank of England Governor Mark Carney emerging as winner of the Liberal leadership race, Pierre Poilievre was caught blowing the dust off the old Michael Ign…

Trudeau asks MPs to sign yearbook

OTTAWA – Justin Trudeau, Canada’s now exited prime minister, has reportedly been seen asking members of parliament to sign his yearbook. “It was kinda awkward,” began Hon. Chrystia Fr…

Newly-elected Mark Carney removes disguise to reveal maniacal, laughing Trudeau

OTTAWA – After winning the Liberal Party leadership race in a blowout victory, Prime Minister Designate Mark Carney removed his lifelike rubber mask to reveal that he had been current Prime…

Tragedy over Florida: Elon Musk not on exploding rocket

ORLANDO, FL – In the wake of the recent mid-air explosion of a SpaceX rocket, thousands mourn as the company confirms that the CEO, Elon Musk, was not aboard the ship. Following what a SpaceX rep…