Breaking: Anti-mandate protesters actually like, OBSESSED with mandates

OTTAWA – With mask and vaccine mandates being lifted nationwide, anti-mandate protesters like Chad McCarthy of Red Deer, Alberta, are starting to realize despite their outward hatred, deep …

Conservative Leadership Candidate Profile: Patrick Brown

Background: Patrick Walter Brown is a career politician who has served as an MP, MPP, Mayor of Brampton, and unofficial bartender at numerous Barrie bars. He is known to be a moderate Conservativ…

Owner walking large dog off leash on sidewalk really fucking cool

TORONTO – Local Cabbagetown resident Francine Dumont walks her 100 lbs Bullmastiff off leash because she’s really fucking cool. “Don’t worry, Max is super friendly!” called Dumont after a y…

Little free library just dumping ground for self-help books that failed to save marriages

CALGARY – A local woman perusing her community’s little free library is disappointed that she can only find weathered self-help books that couldn’t get the job done. “I was hoping to discover a c…

Twitter bursts into flames and rams pedestrians immediately after Musk buy

SAN FRANCISCO – After Tesla CEO and richest man alive Elon Musk’s bid to buy controlling shares of Twitter succeeded, the app subsequently burst into flames and began ramming nearby pedestr…

Macron credits French election win to being “marginally better than fascism”

PARIS – Emmanuel Macron has defeated Marine Le Pen to win 5 more years as President of France, and credits his victory to representing an “almost negligible improvement over the only other …

Ontario vows to crack down on stunt driving unless you actually do something sick

TORONTO, ON – The Ontario government released a statement last week pledging harsher penalties for stunt drivers except for those who manage to pull off really gnarly car tricks that will c…

Local man confused that knowing all the stats for the 1997 Buffalo Sabres hasn’t opened more doors

ST. CATHARINES, ON – Local man Devon Rettinger recently expressed bewilderment that his thorough knowledge of the statistics of the Buffalo Sabres in their 1996-1997 season hasn’t led to mo…

Deadbeat sun thinks it can just come back after all this time

VANCOUVER — Across the city Spring has begun unfolding in all the predictable ways; flowers blooming, jackets shrinking, and The Sun, that deadbeat asshole, sneaking back into our lives expecting…

5 return-to-office tips for not being recognized as a husk of your former self

Uh oh! Your co-workers haven’t seen you in person since March of 2020, back when you were a hopeful idealist with a pep in her step and a contagious joie de vivre. Now you’re an empty shell only …