Last weekend was the Juno Awards and we forgot but here’s what might have happened

Toronto, Ontario (Probably) – The Juno Awards happened last weekend and we swear we were totally going to watch it but we didn’t, so here’s a roundup of what probably happened! So first, Ju…

Ontario pharmacies facing shortage of cold medicine for some reason

TORONTO – Pharmacies across Ontario are facing a shortage of cold-fighting household staples, and no one seems to be able to pinpoint the reason why. Across the province, residents are unab…

47,000 Bryces graduate from business school

CALGARY – As universities around Canada conclude their academic year, thousands upon thousands of young men named Bryce are graduating from their respective business schools. “I can’t wait to beg…

Raising your kids to be Leafs fans classified as child abuse

TORONTO – Child Services has announced that, going forward, they will deem any parent encouraging their young children to be fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs to be negligent, abusive and bor…

As bitcoin crashes, Poilievre vows to find new volatile fad to tie Canadian economy to

OTTAWA – In the wake of this week’s trillion dollar crypto-market meltdown, Conservative leadership candidate Pierre Poilievre has vowed to find an even riskier and more fraud-prone investm…

Conservative Party of Canada vows not to change ambiguous stance on abortion

OTTAWA – The Conservative Party of Canada has announced that, despite the growing pro-life movement in the United States government, Canadians can rest easy knowing that they won’t know the…

“Wanna see me open it with my teeth?” says frat boy operating the roof at the Rogers Centre

BLUE JAY WAY, TORONTO – In a misguided effort to impress someone, Sigma Chi president and Rogers Centre roof operator Andrew “Smitty-boy” Smith is claiming he can open the stadium roof with his t…

Attractive woman doesn’t understand why no one will tell her about Bitcoin

CALGARY – Local restaurant hostess and former beauty queen Sonia Norris is desperate for a man to tell her about Bitcoin, and can’t fathom why none of them will. “Nothing turns me on …

“We pay a living wage” Brags restaurant that only schedules 3 hour shifts

PETROLIA, ON – White Fox Gastropub wooed the local community today by announcing that they will pay employees a living wage despite only scheduling four three-hour shifts per week. “I’m her…

Five subtle ways to tell your friends you’re a ketamine guy now

[EDITOR: If you don’t know what ketamine is, get hip! It’s a horse tranquilizer that’s made its way to the streets, a possible therapeutic treatment for depression, and a dissociative substance t…