High cost of eggs force children to decorate Easter tofu blocks
CINCINNATI, OH – When single father Michael Field’s children, Talia and Connor, ran to their kitchen table last Sunday to decorate eggs for Easter, they were confused to find instead a bowl…
Man who wants kids unaware he will be expected to parent them
KITCHENER, ON – Sources report that Brody Richards, 33, desires to bring small humans into the world while apparently unaware that he will also be required to parent them. “Oh yeah, I can’t wait …
Conservatives unveil new holding area for journalists attending Poilievre’s rallies
“Anyone who doesn’t talk about how big the crowds are in an erotic way goes in the Iron Maiden!” The Beaverton Weekly Report is back to cover all the top stories, from the tarif…
Poilievre airs new race car ad after being informed he isn’t polling high enough with men going through midlife crises
RANDOM RACE TRACK SOMEWHERE IN CANADA – Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre has launched a new campaign ad featuring him driving a shiny blue Chevrolet Corvette around a race track, after …
Toyota stopped for speeding in historic first
MISSISSAUGA, ON ― A local driver entered the history books today after being pulled over and ticketed for driving 6 km over the speed limit, despite being behind the wheel of a Toyota Corolla. Ke…
Harper returns in attempt to make Poilievre look charismatic
EDMONTON – Former Prime Minister Stephen Harper appeared at a Pierre Poilievre campaign rally this week, in an attempt to make the current Conservative leader appear human and likeable by c…
Guy who says “Things could be worse” forced to retract statement
London, ON – RCMP officials have confirmed that Jamie Arbogast of Aylmer will be making a public apology this coming Tuesday at the Middlesex County Courthouse after it was deemed his multi…
Poilievre refuses to believe carbon tax is dead until a body is produced
OTTAWA – Despite Prime Minister Mark Carney announcing that his government would be axing the carbon tax, opposition leader Pierre Poilievre refuses to believe that the dreaded bill is gone…
Rogers CEO says joy of torturing Canadians with garbage hockey broadcast worth way more than 11 billion dollars
TORONTO – One week after signing a 12 year deal for NHL broadcasting rights that cost twice as much as their last deal, Rogers CEO Tony Staffieri said the deal is an investment in the compa…
Canada waiting for US economy to implode enough to make America 11th province
OTTAWA – With the stock market plunged into chaos by U.S. President Donald Trump’s sweeping tariffs, Canadians have decided to simply wait out America’s forthcoming economic col…
