Local man enjoys mental health day by neglecting physical health

PRINCE ALBERT, SK – Area man Cameron Elliot has reportedly taken the day away from work to focus on his mental health by indulging in his favourite restoration activity; slowly deterioratin…

Parent who should absolutely never have had children demands say in child’s education

ORILLIA, ON ― Kyle Gardner, the father of four young children whose only hope for becoming decent humans is the public education system, is demanding the right to bypass the public education syst…

Smirking 9 year old just learned the French word for Seal

Woodbridge, ON – Caleb Chen, a Grade 4 student, had a slow smile creep across his face after hearing his teacher pronounce the french word for seal: Phoque. “Every year when we do ani…

Elon Musk assures users his latest tweet too funny to be antisemitic

SAN FRANCISCO – Following backlash against his latest tweet that once again indulges in antisemitic conspiracy theories against George Soros, Twitter CEO Elon Musk has assured users that hi…

Pitch clock resigns baseball players’ nutsacks to unscratched loneliness

Kansas City, MO – The arrival of the pitch clock and other measures to speed up the languid pace of professional baseball has created victims of baseball players’ scrotums, as the lack of customa…

Oilers and Leafs fans seamlessly transition from arguing about which team is going to win the Cup to which team shat the bed worse

TORONTO – Having spent much of the season locked in fierce online battles about whether the Leafs or Oilers would win the Cup, team fans have effortlessly moved on to discussing which team …

Jack Black’s ‘Peaches’ triggers a generation’s sexual awakening

Orangeville, ON – An entire generation is reveling in its sexual awakening, thanks to Jack Black’s wet, hot hit, “Peaches” from the Super Mario Bros. Movie. In the film, Black plays Bowser, a Koo…

Man saves years of accumulated time by referring to 7-Eleven as “Sev”

WINNIPEG — Forty-four year-old Mark O’Shea crossed a major milestone this month, saving nine years of accumulated time by repeatedly referring to 7-Eleven as “Sev.” “As a kid, I found it took for…

Panthers beat Leafs 3-3

TORONTO – The Florida Panthers ended the Leafs season in crushing fashion tonight, with a 3-3 OT victory. “We fought hard all year to give ourselves a chance to succeed,” said g…

Danielle Smith spotted on campaign trail with “Holocaust analogies = BAD” scribbled on her hand

EDMONTON – After apologising for comments made on a 2021 podcast that compared vaccinated Albertans to the followers of Adolf Hitler, Premier Danielle Smith has been doing her best to avoid simil…