BRUSSELS – After the shocking outcome of last night’s Brexit vote, citizens of the EU say they’re ‘ecstatic’ there are going to be fewer English tourists around. “Obviously, it’s heartbreak…
World
Nation that took over world sick of being controlled by external power
LONDON – The United Kingdom, a country whose empire once controlled and exploited half the world, has voted to free itself from the tyranny of the European Union. “I’m sick of my country be…
ISIS releases kill list, accompanied by fuck, marry lists
OTTAWA – According to intelligence agencies, terror organization ISIS has released a list of 151 Canadians they want killed, along with two separate lists of people they want to fuck and ma…
Scotch distillers admit all scotch actually tastes the same
GLENKARNEY – An unexpected development occurred Tuesday at the Annual Scotch Distillery convention in Glenkarney, Scotland when the collected distillers revealed that all scotch everywhere has co…
Vatican City unemployment rate soars to five
VATICAN CITY – The whirlwind of economic hardship battering the eurozone has now reached the Holy See, where officials report that the unemployment rate has skyrocketed to an all-time high of fiv…
Canine court rules leg ‘asking for it’
OTTAWA – The nation’s top dog court decided today that Marlowe, a 4-year-old Pug mix, was not guilty of sexual assault because the complainant’s leg was asking to be humped. Judge Duke, a 9…
Queen Victoria celebrates birthday by getting wasted at cottage
POINTE-AU-BARIL, ON – In honour of her 197th birthday, Queen Victoria of England is celebrating the long weekend the way many of her Canadian colonists are, by getting completely shit-faced…
Mothers gather for annual Festival of Secretly Ripping on Gifts
PARTS UNKNOWN – Mothers worldwide have covertly gathered together for their annual tradition of secretly mocking the gifts they received for Mother’s Day. The ceremony begins with the light…
Adorable despot turns 92
LONDON — Nestled comfortably in one of several fortified castles that she calls home, the Head of State of 18 nations and direct descendant of the iron-fisted Tudors noted that she was look…
Pope Francis admits he meant to invite Larry David, not Bernie Sanders, to Vatican
VATICAN CITY – In a stunning admission Friday afternoon, Pope Francis confessed that he mistakenly invited Democratic Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders, instead of American comedian Larry Dav…
