OTTAWA – According to intelligence agencies, terror organization ISIS has released a list of 151 Canadians they want killed, along with two separate lists of people they want to fuck and ma…
World
Scotch distillers admit all scotch actually tastes the same
GLENKARNEY – An unexpected development occurred Tuesday at the Annual Scotch Distillery convention in Glenkarney, Scotland when the collected distillers revealed that all scotch everywhere has co…
Vatican City unemployment rate soars to five
VATICAN CITY – The whirlwind of economic hardship battering the eurozone has now reached the Holy See, where officials report that the unemployment rate has skyrocketed to an all-time high of fiv…
Canine court rules leg ‘asking for it’
OTTAWA – The nation’s top dog court decided today that Marlowe, a 4-year-old Pug mix, was not guilty of sexual assault because the complainant’s leg was asking to be humped. Judge Duke, a 9…
Queen Victoria celebrates birthday by getting wasted at cottage
POINTE-AU-BARIL, ON – In honour of her 197th birthday, Queen Victoria of England is celebrating the long weekend the way many of her Canadian colonists are, by getting completely shit-faced…
Mothers gather for annual Festival of Secretly Ripping on Gifts
PARTS UNKNOWN – Mothers worldwide have covertly gathered together for their annual tradition of secretly mocking the gifts they received for Mother’s Day. The ceremony begins with the light…
Adorable despot turns 92
LONDON — Nestled comfortably in one of several fortified castles that she calls home, the Head of State of 18 nations and direct descendant of the iron-fisted Tudors noted that she was look…
Pope Francis admits he meant to invite Larry David, not Bernie Sanders, to Vatican
VATICAN CITY – In a stunning admission Friday afternoon, Pope Francis confessed that he mistakenly invited Democratic Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders, instead of American comedian Larry Dav…
Spain’s Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy lobbies to end siesta – in another five minutes
MADRID — Groggy Spanish Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy plans to prepare a campaign that will end the tradition of the afternoon nap, just as soon as he wakes up from one. The sleepy Prime Min…
Black hole as big as 17 billion suns surprises astronomers who clearly weren’t looking very hard
CAPE CANAVERAL — After decades of so-called scrutinizing the cosmos, scientists have finally managed to notice a supermassive black hole staring them right in the face. “This one’s on us,” …
