GENEVA — Some of the world’s top climate scientists have penned a letter to the International Journal of Climatology, Friday, expressing their belief that humanity’s only hope for survival is the accuracy of Trump’s global warming Chinese hoax connection.
The authors wrote that with Trump’s plans to tear up the Paris Agreement, install a climate change denier as head of the EPA and crank the heat in government buildings while opening all of the windows, climate change being a hoax was the only way the authors could avoid crying at the sight of their children. The close to four hundred esteemed scientists who signed the letter added that this far-flung hope was also what was keeping them from “replacing their dietary water with pure grain alcohol.”
The authors of the letter stated that they would be considering a dramatic change to their research in the future.
“From this day forward we will promote the science of whatever you want to hear. Our research shows a high probability of everything being A-OK.”
The group went on to suggest that the world’s seven billion people join them in “this wonderful neverland of ignorance and neglect,” especially those in Haiti, the Philippines, Sudan and Bangladesh.
Some have since called into question the authors’ motivations, including many world leaders who had previously invested in climate research. When faced with scrutiny, the writers admitted they were hoping to find a way to monetize future falsified research, but with Trump in power, the prospects don’t look good.
“Our fear is that now that Trump holds all the power, oil companies won’t feel the need to pay for a link between global warming and enormous heating coils in Inner Mongolia.” said Edward Montgomery, a climate researcher at MIT and one of the letter’s authors.
Although many climate scientists are now giving up on future research, the International Journal of Climatology has confirmed that they will continue to publish “to the bitter end.” The editorial team has stated, however, that starting in 2017 the journal will mostly consist of old Archie cartoons.