ETOBICOKE, ON – As students head back to school across the province, Ontario is holding out hope for a coveted 100% on their symptomatic COVID-19 PCR tests. “Of all the province-wide standa…
Education
Kids returning to their virtual school classrooms find them smaller than they remembered
TORONTO – Wistful and nostalgic students returning to virtual school across the country were surprised to find their old classrooms were smaller than they seemed in previous years. “Man, th…
Alberta Education Ministry assures parents it will stop publishing Nazi propaganda starting now
EDMONTON – The Alberta Ministry of Education has agreed to stop publishing a document that encourages educators to use materials that highlight the positive aspects of Nazi Germany, such as…
Ryerson University struggles to find unproblematic Canadian historical figure to change name to
TORONTO – After finally agreeing to change the name of their university due their namesake’s role in the residential school system, Ryerson University is currently facing difficulty in find…
Ford and Lecce present their back to school safety plan, “Pick the sick kids last during Phys-ed”
QUEENS PARK – After delaying for as long as possible, Doug Ford and Stephen Lecce have finally revealed their back to school safety plan, which is for kids to pick the sicker kids last duri…
Ryerson agrees to change name, drop the “University”
TORONTO – In response to recently renewed discussions surrounding the problematic history of its name, Ryerson has agreed to make the necessary change – by no longer calling itself a univer…
Ford takes innovative measure of keeping schools closed in July and August
QUEEN’S PARK – Premier Doug Ford made the bold pronouncement this afternoon that the closure of Ontario schools will continue for the remainder of June and – shockingly – extend into July and Aug…
Teachers reveal learning cursive in school just way to “kill time”
WOLFVILLE, NS – The Canadian Teacher’s Association has revealed that the addition of cursive to the school curriculum was only meant as a way to “kill some time.” “Honestly, we just sort of…
Jacob unveils plans to eat that for a dollar
MONCTON, NB – Speaking to an assembled crowd outside of his 2nd grade classroom, 8-year-old Jacob Moir has announced that he intends to eat any substance his classmates can name and provide…
Jason Kenney insists dinosaurs belong in government, not the classroom
EDMONTON – Premier Jason Kenney is changing the public school curriculum in Alberta to better reflect the UCP’s position that lumbering prehistoric creatures should not be the focus o…