NIAGARA-ON-THE-LAKE, ON — After an exhaustive two-week search, local bank manager and self-professed “world’s funnest aunt” Wendy Toolend was found in a 20,000 gallon vat of wine alive and …
Phoenix pay system makes generous $1.5 billion charitable donation with unpaid public servants salaries
OTTAWA – After kicking off the Government Charitable Workplace Campaign for all public servants, the Public Service Commission has announced that new Phoenix Pay System has made a very cons…
Local couple get sneak peek of their new favourite TV show, The Beaverton
TORONTO – Local couple Tina and William were able to spend their evening watching a live recording of the new Beaverton TV show, the very important televised adaptation of the very importan…
University hazing: first year English Literature students forced to read Milton out loud
KINGSTON – Queen’s University administration is currently investigating a hazing incident involving first year English literature students who were forced to read Books IV to IX of Milton’s…
Mansbridge retirement leaves nation’s mothers with precious few remaining sexual fantasies
TORONTO – Peter Mansbridge’s announcement that he will be retiring in July 2017 have left the middle-aged mothers of Canada with even fewer celebrities about which to sexually fantasize. “H…
You are Drake: Can you record a #1 Single and watch this guy’s stuff for a few minutes?
Drake, successful Toronto hip-hop artist, has forgotten that he has to write a hit song to record… tomorrow… Also, can you hold onto this guy’s stuff?…
Thief steals maple syrup using hockey stick in most Canadian crime ever, 3 dead
ST. THOMAS, ON – In what is being called the most Canadian crime ever, a daring thief used a hockey stick to rob a sugar shack and made off with 50 L of maple syrup. Also, three employees w…
‘Too bad it’s against the law to ball-gag Brian Jean,’ lament Albertans
EDMONTON – Many Albertans expressed disappointment that it would be a criminal offence to ball-gag Wildrose Leader Brian Jean for the rest of his life to avoid making violent, misogynist jo…
Yukon Conservation officers forced to shoot Smokey Bear
WHITEHORSE – Parks Canada and Yukon Conservation officials were forced to shoot a popular bear affectionately known as ‘Smokey’ after it approached campers and hikers informing them about f…
Man wearing sunglasses actually looking directly at you
TORONTO – Several reports have confirmed that the guy wearing dark sunglasses is absolutely looking directly at you right now. “I’m sure it only seems like he is staring at me,” you said li…
