THE HOLY SEE – The leader of the Catholic Church, Pope Francis I, made a special prayer to victims of Canada’s residential schools during his monthly intentions. “We are asking the Almighty…
Leafs forfeit Game 7 to save everyone the trouble
TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs have announced they will not play Game 7 against the Montreal Canadiens to save everyone the trouble. “I think we all know how this will end,” said Leafs C…
Father forbids Pfizer-vaccinated daughter to date Moderna-vaccinated boy
MILTON, ON – Reaffirming that his family is a “Pfizer family,” local father Harold Ludwig has forbidden his daughter Donna from dating a teenage “Moderna bad boy.” “I’m putting my foot down…
Millions of Canadians cancel vaccine appointments since beating US only thing that mattered
OTTAWA – With Canada’s brittle sense of pride restored, millions of Canadians have cancelled their first and second COVID-19 vaccine appointments since beating the US in immunizations was r…
City of Ottawa announces $2.9 million housing program for Porsches
OTTAWA – The City of Ottawa has announced a generous contribution to a public housing development that will provide needy Porsches unable to find luxury homes and four car garages. Througho…
Woman exhausts supply of spices in ongoing feud with squirrel
BRANTFORD, ON – In an escalating confrontation with a rodent, local resident and amatuer botanist Shelly Hargrove has exhausted her home’s supply of chili powder, turmeric, and other spices…
Saskatchewanians grab keys from Premier Moe despite his insistence that he’s sober enough to re-open province
REGINA – Responsible citizens of Saskatchewan have hid the keys on Premier Scott Moe in order to prevent him from opening up the province without a sober mind. “Don’t worry, I’ll go slow an…
Alberta justice minister investigating federal Liberals, NDP Opposition, media for ties to JFK assassination
EDMONTON – Alberta Justice Minister Kaycee Madu has opened up an investigation into the federal Liberals, NDP Opposition and the media’s role in the 1963 assassination of US President John …
