OSHAWA, ON – With gyms around the province reopening, local senior citizen Waylan Marshall is relieved to no longer have to resort to walking around the house naked. “Walking around in my b…
Canadian and Mexican governments hope U.S. doesn’t notice tunnel being built underneath it
NORTH AMERICA – Despite being undiscovered since April, Canadian and Mexican officials are remaining firm in keeping the massive tunnel allowing travel between the two countries by going be…
Lame coronavirus party infects 0 people
TUSCALOOSA, AL- The latest in an underwhelming series of coronavirus parties at a University of Alabama frat house has reportedly failed to create a single new case of COVID-19. “This party blows…
Doug Ford extends emergency orders until end of his term
QUEEN’S PARK – In an effort to improve his public image, Ontario Premier Doug Ford has extended the emergency orders placed on the province for exactly however long the remainder of h…
Progressive! Crayola finally acknowledges the white crayon is useless
NEW YORK, NY- In wake of the worldwide outcry for increased equality, handicraft company Crayola has released a long-awaited statement admitting that white crayons have no real function and shoul…
Ontario Suburbanites urge province to allow social bubbles big enough for decent orgy
ONTARIO- Despite the Ontario government now permitting social gatherings of up to ten people, many in the suburbs are requesting the number be increased in order to enable worthwhile orgies. “You…
Summer camp closure leaves masked killer with too much free time
VANCOUVER, BC – With the cancellation of summer camp programs across the country, escaped murderer Billy Webber is finding himself unsure of how we will spend the season without a fresh bat…
United States deploys troops to politically unstable nation of the United States
WASHINGTON, DC- The United States government announced today that it will send active duty troops to the chaos plagued country of the United States to help quell the growing civic unrest. “Americ…
Recently fired man sadly leaves home office
VICTORIA, BC – Following his termination from his project manager job at which he has been working remotely, local man Corey Nielson is reportedly beginning the joyless task of clearing the…
Report: 60% of illuminati can’t figure out how to join video call
WORLDWIDE – Attendance of regularly scheduled Illuminati council meetings have dropped to 40%, largely due to technical issues with the video meeting hosting programs being used. “I mean, I…
