VANCOUVER, BC – With the cancellation of summer camp programs across the country, escaped murderer Billy Webber is finding himself unsure of how we will spend the season without a fresh bat…
United States deploys troops to politically unstable nation of the United States
WASHINGTON, DC- The United States government announced today that it will send active duty troops to the chaos plagued country of the United States to help quell the growing civic unrest. “Americ…
Recently fired man sadly leaves home office
VICTORIA, BC – Following his termination from his project manager job at which he has been working remotely, local man Corey Nielson is reportedly beginning the joyless task of clearing the…
Report: 60% of illuminati can’t figure out how to join video call
WORLDWIDE – Attendance of regularly scheduled Illuminati council meetings have dropped to 40%, largely due to technical issues with the video meeting hosting programs being used. “I mean, I…
Local prisoner practices social distancing by escaping
Bath, ON – In an effort to prevent the spread of the COVID-19 virus, prison inmate Geoff Rogers has taken necessary measures to distance himself from others by escaping from the Millhaven I…
Kremlin still can’t remember trigger word to activate Bernie Sanders
MOSCOW – A source inside the Kremlin has confirmed that the handlers of deep cover operative Bernie Sanders have lost the password needed to activate the commands placed in his subconscious…
Local child realizes Dad unable to beat up any other dads
WINDSOR, ON – Local 4th grader Tommy Watson has come to realize that, despite his previous boasting, his father James is the weakest dad in town and would stand little chance in confrontati…
Local man glad he hung onto cough mask from SARS outbreak
TORONTO – As the danger from Coronavirus increases daily, Keith Dellware is reportedly congratulating himself on his foresight and frugality by holding on to the same cough mask he wore dur…
9-year-old college prodigy wins third consecutive game of beer pong
LONDON, ON – Gabriel Thompson, the 9 year-old child genius who made waves by being admitted into Major Biology and Mathematics program at Western, is reportedly kicking ass at a game of bee…
Man trapped in endless loop of diving into infinity pool
EDMONTON – Jacob Quinn, a guest at the Mirage hotel is currently entering his third hour of diving into the infinity pool. “I just waited for him to come up from the water, but he never did…
