From the moment I launched my campaign, I have said that we are in the battle for the soul of this nation. A battle that could last a generation, requiring sacrifices and introspection. But I hav…
Droves of desperate people breaking into closed libraries to get hit of book smell
VANCOUVER – Months after libraries closed to the public in order to help stop the spread of COVID-19, librarians are sounding the alarm about increasing waves of break-ins caused by people …
Trudeau promises to be aware of systemic racism in Canada as long as he doesn’t have to do anything about it
OTTAWA – As demonstrations erupted this week across the continent and the world to protest racism and police brutality, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau today made it clear that he is aware of…
Canada’s newspapers now entirely owned by stock villains from children’s movies
TORONTO – With the sale of TorStar, the publishing company that owns the Toronto Star and dozens of other papers, to a pair of wealthy tycoons, the Canadian newspaper industry is now wholly…
Fuckable Canadians exempted from new mask recommendation
OTTAWA – Canada’s chief public health officer officially recommended this week that non-sexy Canadians wear face masks when they are unable to maintain a two meter physical distance f…
Canadians celebrate isolated Victoria Day by exchanging love letters with their cousins
CALGARY – In lieu of family barbeques or trips to the lake, Canadians are observing this year’s Victoria Day by sending romantic missives to their cousins in honour of Queen Victoria’s lege…
Burglar who hid under bed to avoid getting caught has been waiting two months for woman to leave apartment
VANCOUVER – When cat burglar Blanche Hudson dove under the bed of intended victim Jane Davis after Davis unexpectedly returned home during an attempted robbery, Hudson had no idea that she …
Hubble Telescope turns 30, wonders if entire universe is all there is
LOW EARTH ORBIT – A week after celebrating 30 years of documenting the cosmic majesty of the universe, the Hubble Space Telescope is struggling with feelings of ennui and contemplating if a…
Snowbirds boost morale by scaring the shit out of everyone
FREDERICTON, NB – In an effort to improve national morale during the COVID-19 crisis, the Canadian Forces Snowbirds have embarked on a countrywide tour starting today in New Brunswick. The …
Alberta insists oil workers essential, essential-oil workers not essential
EDMONTON – The government of Alberta reiterated today that the province considers workers in the oil industry to be essential while workers in the essential-oil industry are considered non-…
