TORONTO – A frustrated Maple Leafs fan threw their jersey onto the ice during a crushing 6-1 playoff defeat to the Florida Panthers, which the Leafs promptly allowed to slide past them and into t…
Danielle Smith demands referendum to separate measles from Albertans
EDMONTON – As Alberta suffers its worst measles outbreak since the 1980s, Premier Danielle Smith has called on Albertans to demand a better deal from the airborne disease. “As we all know, medi…
Panicking Poilievre purportedly planning political pivot pending poll performance
PETERBOROUGH – Present polls panicking Pierre Poilievre, proving poor political performance, privy pals pronounced. “Pah! Pesky plebs!” pouted Poilievre. “Perhaps people picture Pierre Poil…
Man in movie theatre just needs to use his phone to send a quick text and read the complete works of Lucy Maud Montgomery
EDMONTON – As a hotly-anticipated blockbuster began playing in a packed theatre, 36-year-old Colin Schneider reassured his fellow moviegoers that he’d put his incredibly bright phone away just as…
Ovechkin dedicates his record-breaking goal to the brave men and women bombing Ukrainian hospitals
NEW YORK CITY – Alexander Ovechkin has scored his 895th career goal, surpassing Wayne Gretzky’s record and making him first all-time among NHL superstars with terrible personal politics. Ovechki…
Man who calls his fantasy hockey team Big Stick Daddy enters 30th hour of planning your crushing defeat
TORONTO – According to sources embedded in your fantasy hockey pool, the player who goes by a crude double entendre is on the verge of issuing you such a humiliating defeat that you’ll lose all i…
“Oh, he’s never done that before,” says owner as dog kills seventh victim
EDMONTON – As her five-year-old Yorkshire Terrier disembowelled his latest victim, owner Krissie Powell has assured horrified onlookers that Buster never behaves like this. “Oh my gosh, I don’t k…
Alberta proves private healthcare is more efficient at generating scandals
EDMONTON – Alberta’s experiment with private healthcare delivery is already paying off, as the system is generating scandals at a rate unheard of by the province’s public-facing healthcare system…
Canada annexes 4 Nations Championship
BOSTON, MA – The Canadian men’s hockey team has successfully seized the 4 Nations hockey championship from their American opponents, completing their annexation of the trophy nearly halfway throu…
