KINGSTON, ON – Seconds after Hockey Canada announced its men’s Olympic roster, fans nationwide expressed outrage at the players they assumed were chosen. “From the moment I read ‘Canada announce…
Maximise your RRSP contribution by distracting your banker and then changing a bunch of numbers on their computer
TORONTO – As another tax season approaches, financial experts suggest that the best way to prepare for retirement is to sneak a bunch of new numbers into your bank’s database and hope for the bes…
“Trump is a pedophile” email raises questions about whether Trump is a pedophile
WASHINGTON, D.C. – With many of Jeffrey Epstein’s documents and emails now available to the public, subtle messages from the disgraced financier like “Donald Trump is a sex criminal I have done s…
Danielle Smith announces plans to hold her breath until she gets what she wants
EDMONTON – After meeting with Mark Carney to discuss pipeline construction, Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has vowed to hold her breath until the Prime Minister gives her absolutely everything sh…
Riyadh Comedy Festival opens with up-and-coming executioner
RIYADH, KSA – As Saudi Arabia’s new comedy festival welcomes talent from around the world, local executioner Imad Usman is excited for the opportunity to perform in front of larger audiences. “I…
15-second ad ruins hour of mindless scrolling
CALGARY – Local scroller Kyle Townsend has been forced to watch a brief commercial for paper towels, completely ruining his hour spent flitting aimlessly between Instagram, X/Twitter, Facebook, a…
Subway unveils latest sloppy food tube
TORONTO – Reporters have gathered at Toronto’s Yorkville Subway to witness the sandwich company’s latest breakthrough in the field of ladling a bunch of sauce onto some salty meat crammed in a tu…
Danielle Smith invokes notwithstanding clause to win argument with spouse
EDMONTON – According to sources in the Premier’s household, Danielle Smith has invoked the notwithstanding clause to make her husband take out the trash. “As a libertarian-minded politician and …
Horoscope says Mercury will pass through the fifth house before slamming into your house
YOUR HOME – According to local astrologists, the planet Mercury hates your guts and is coming to kill you and everyone you love. “What your friends and family want you to do and what you need to…
Pundits predict Trump’s “Thank you for being my pedophile friend” letter will hurt Democrats somehow
WASHINGTON, D.C. – After journalists revealed that President Trump wrote a birthday message to notorious sex offender Jeffrey Epstein reading, “I sure enjoyed the sex crimes you did, fellow sex c…
