By Annie Grunwil I, like hundreds of other Torontonians, made the mistake of going to Trinity Bellwoods Park this weekend, when it was far too crowded for attendees to maintain safe social distan…
CRA extends tax deadline citing meaninglessness of all money
OTTAWA — In the wake of the COVID-19 outbreak, the Canada Revenue Agency has extended the national tax filing deadline to June 1st, explaining that “honestly the idea of money is just something p…
Two-year-old’s backup teddy bear on thin fucking ice
WINNIPEG —- Reports have confirmed that Mr. Broccoli, a teddy bear who has for most of the afternoon been subbing in for two-year-old Eleanor McWilson’s favourite teddy bear, Pinky, is going to b…
Woman who has watched every Democratic debate cannot name MPP
TORONTO – After watching all 7 US Democratic debates, participating in numerous Twitter arguments regarding the primaries and listening to dozens of podcasts about the various factors that …
Folksy Joe Biden cheerfully greets supporter as two-bit secretary with no tits
CONCORD–During a campaign event for the upcoming New Hampshire Primary, former Vice President Joe Biden charmed a crowd by playfully addressing an attendee as a “two-bit secretary with no t…
Woman conducting job interview in coffee shop wants to know if candidate serious about this opportunity
TORONTO — Reports have confirmed that a woman conducting a job interview for a marketing intern position in a crowded local coffee shop, Margie’s, has concerns about whether the applicant will tr…
Realtor has good feeling about couple that’s been complaining about housing prices for 35 minutes
TORONTO — Local realtor Ann Wilber is reportedly “getting some really good vibes” off of house hunting couple Shiela and Martin Rourke, who have been loudly decrying the unfairness of condo price…
BREAKING: Woman who has absorbed decades of unhinged misogynist vitriol does not like one guy
WASHINGTON D.C. — Following reports of Hillary Clinton’s strong criticisms of Bernie Sanders’ campaign and career, the nation has been staggered by the news that a woman who has endured 30 …
Trump starts trade war with Australia just to feel something
WASHINGTON D.C. -— President Donald Trump has reportedly initiated a trade war with Australia “Just so I can finally know I am truly alive.” Trump personally made the announcement of tariffs on A…
How to keep your New Year’s Resolutions by modifying them every day
The new year is upon us, and it’s time to make a plan for keeping all those resolutions! Whether your plan was to eat better, read more, quit a bad habit or pursue a professional goal, a surefire…