MONTREAL – Time and space as we know it was thrown into temporal flux today as protestors pulled down a statue of Sir John A. MacDonal, causing Canada’s first prime minister to be suddenly …
Sad man finds new favourite flavour of chips
WINNIPEG – Local pitiful human being, Jordan Wright, 34, has cemented his status as a notably bleak man by announcing that he has discovered a new favourite flavour of potato chips. “Oh God…
Trump counters Kasich, Powell endorsements by securing backing of prominent Democrats
WASHINGTON D.C. – Ahead of the Republican National Convention President Trump announced endorsements from Democrats Ghislaine Maxwell and Harvey Weinstein, intended to counter last week’s R…
NRA accused of embezzling thoughts and prayers
MANHATTAN – The attorney general of New York has launched a lawsuit alleging the National Rifle Association has engaged in decades-long fraud involving the embezzlement of members’ thoughts…
Ford government unveils school plan to send kids back to school and let them formulate a plan
QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has released his fall school plan, which will see the province’s school children return to class in September in order to brainstorm an actual…
COVID first thing Nova Scotia happy to be only province without
HALIFAX – After decades of being the only province in Canada without several attractions, amenities, and chain stores, the COVID-19 virus has emerged as the first thing Nova Scotians are ac…
Homeland Security assures Americans they’re grabbing Portland protesters off street for cool frat hazing
PORTLAND, OR – After reports of unidentified federal agents pulling protesters off the street and into unmarked vans, the US Department of Homeland Security has assured citizens the snatchi…
Doug Ford reveals Stage 3 has no plan to re-open schools, but will lower drinking age to 8
QUEEN’S PARK — As the Ford Government’s pandemic plan faces criticism for ignoring schools to prioritizing re-opening bars, the premier assured Ontarians that he will solve the dilemma by l…
FBI promises to expedite process of Epstein associate mysteriously hanging herself in prison
NEW YORK – After arresting Ghislaine Maxwell, accomplice of convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, the Justice Department has promised to put the FBI’s full resources behind expediting her…
Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads still putting finishing touches on #BlackLivesMatter statement
TOPEKA, KS – Following the lead of other major corporate brands like Walmart, JP Morgan Chase, and the NFL, executives at the head office of Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads have been hard at…
