WORLDWIDE – World leaders are calling for a pause on climate change talks this week, out of respect for the Amazon rainforest which is now almost constantly on fire. “We were almost ready t…
Wealthy man enjoys bonding with barista over finally going back to work
TORONTO – Today in an inspirational display of pandemic solidarity, a local wealthy man spent several minutes bonding with the barista at a neighbour cafe about how weird it is to finally g…
Local woman spices up life by swinging wildly between depression and anxiety
EDMONTON, AB – Local interior designer Rebecca McCallops has found a new lease on her otherwise humdrum life by veering wildly between bouts of depression and anxiety. “I was in a really he…
Local woman tired of the 3 shitty little meals she knows how to make
GUELPH, ON – Local accounts manager Mary Nierling confirmed today that there are only three meals she knows how to make and she is completely disgusted by all of them at this point. “I was …
Police baffled by knife-shaped hole found in stabbing victim
VANCOUVER, BC – The Vancouver Police Department has announced a puzzling new development in the recent downtown stabbing case: a hole, shaped oddly like some kind of knife, has been found i…
Hero cat bravely saves owner from being in bathroom alone
WINNIPEG – Felines nationwide are praising humble hero cat Mr. Pringles after he bravely saved his owner, local university student Christine Pedany, from being in the bathroom alone for mor…
Ontarians thrilled case numbers down to level that would have terrified them in September
ONTARIO – With daily new cases of Covid-19 now consistently falling below 1200, Ontario citizens are celebrating despite the fact that these numbers would have had them peeing their pants b…
5 Gifts to buy your pregnant friend after you said “sorry” instead of “congratulations”
So, it happened. You’ve spent so many years helping your rhythm-method-loving friends fix their mistakes that you completely missed the turning point when everyone’s pregnancies became on p…
Ikea introduces pre-packaged little black hairs for men to sprinkle over their bathrooms
CONSHOHOCKEN, PA – Ikea today announced their latest product, the Grovahårstrån – pre-packaged little black hairs for single men to decoratively sprinkle all over their lonesome bathr…
Local woman tragically forced to explain TikTok to therapist
HALIFAX – After a particularly harrowing week online, local University student Becky Clyborne was left with no choice but to explain the inner workings of TikTok to her therapist. “I told h…