TORONTO – Following an agonizing series of many, many minutes, former Ontario PC leader Patrick Brown has announced his intention to again enter the leadership race again for the PC party again. …
Trump announces plan to arm firefighters with fire
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a bid to put an end to the longstanding epidemic of random fires breaking out across the nation, President Trump has put forward a bold plan to combat them by arming firefigh…
Ontario PCs pick black, queer woman as new leader and just kidding it’s another white guy
TORONTO – In the wake of the sudden resignation of Patrick Brown due to sexual assault allegations, the Ontario Progressive Conservatives have stunned the world by appointing a black, homosexual …
Airlines now planning to cut headroom on planes
SEATTLE – A leaked document from the annual International Airlines Convention (IAC) has revealed that the next cost-saving measures to be employed by carriers will be a reduction in the amo…
Worldwide bee extinction linked to Doug: The Amazing Bee-Eating Man
VANCOUVER – Scientists have finally narrowed down the cause of the mass bee extinction happening around the world to the activities of Doug Livingstone, professionally known as The Amazing Bee-Ea…
Famous comedian accused of sexual assault. No, not that one. Or that one. The other one.
EVERYWHERE – Reports have emerged over the past week of a famous comedian having committed sexual assault on one or more people. Sources indicate that, no, it’s not that famous comedian – t…
QUIZ: For God’s sake, what do the ghosts want?!?
Everyone has noticed the cryptic signs that form disturbing patterns around their home every evening. But are you able to decipher what the forces from beyond the veil want of you? Dear Lord what…
Boss wondering politely if Jewish holidays over yet
CALGARY – Recent developments out of Calgary have suggested that your boss has once again begun the polite but sincere vocal inquiries as to whether the Jewish holidays are finally done and you w…
Outrage! Trump fires White House falconer
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a stunning move that shocked Washington insiders, President Trump unilaterally fired long-time White House falconer James McElroy. “He’s been with us since the Carter adminis…
Report: Basement apartment good enough
MONTREAL – Local graduate student, Emil Stanley, has confirmed that his recently leased basement apartment in the Outremont neighbourhood isn’t perfect but at least “good enough”, a sentiment sha…