By: Aunt Pam Greetings Tompkins Family! I know there’s no big gathering coming any time soon but I felt compelled to write to you all to remind you of something that’s been bothering me for a whi…
New security clearance policy requires Jared Kushner to hold hands with secret service agent at all times
WASHINGTON D.C. – White House Chief of Staff John Kelly has officially announced that Jared Kushner will only be granted security clearance if he promises to hold the hand of the secret service a…
Patrick Brown announces re-re-entry into Ontario PC leadership race
TORONTO – Following an agonizing series of many, many minutes, former Ontario PC leader Patrick Brown has announced his intention to again enter the leadership race again for the PC party again. …
Trump announces plan to arm firefighters with fire
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a bid to put an end to the longstanding epidemic of random fires breaking out across the nation, President Trump has put forward a bold plan to combat them by arming firefigh…
Ontario PCs pick black, queer woman as new leader and just kidding it’s another white guy
TORONTO – In the wake of the sudden resignation of Patrick Brown due to sexual assault allegations, the Ontario Progressive Conservatives have stunned the world by appointing a black, homosexual …
Airlines now planning to cut headroom on planes
SEATTLE – A leaked document from the annual International Airlines Convention (IAC) has revealed that the next cost-saving measures to be employed by carriers will be a reduction in the amo…
Worldwide bee extinction linked to Doug: The Amazing Bee-Eating Man
VANCOUVER – Scientists have finally narrowed down the cause of the mass bee extinction happening around the world to the activities of Doug Livingstone, professionally known as The Amazing Bee-Ea…
Famous comedian accused of sexual assault. No, not that one. Or that one. The other one.
EVERYWHERE – Reports have emerged over the past week of a famous comedian having committed sexual assault on one or more people. Sources indicate that, no, it’s not that famous comedian – t…
QUIZ: For God’s sake, what do the ghosts want?!?
Everyone has noticed the cryptic signs that form disturbing patterns around their home every evening. But are you able to decipher what the forces from beyond the veil want of you? Dear Lord what…
Boss wondering politely if Jewish holidays over yet
CALGARY – Recent developments out of Calgary have suggested that your boss has once again begun the polite but sincere vocal inquiries as to whether the Jewish holidays are finally done and you w…
