EVERYWHERE, ALL AROUND YOU, ALL THE TIME ― A report conducted this summer by the University of Guelph has found that 97% of reported cases of temporary insanity in Canada are triggered exclusivel…
Local contrarian takes immense pleasure from people’s expressions upon learning he’s never seen Star Wars
GRAVENHURST, ON ― Local middle manager and willful snob Kenneth Thomas had a fantastic time last night, when a party he attended gave him a chance to casually reveal to a host of new people that …
5 fun or cheap activities to make the most of summer, and yes, we did mean “or”
OTTAWA – The long weekend is coming up, and you’re seeking ways of maximizing your time while minimizing your expenses. But every listicle promising low-cost excitement disappoints you with…
Brilliant strategy of hiring dozens of untrained employees somehow fails to boost productivity
STOUFFVILLE, ON ― Local businesses were puzzled this week to find that hiring droves of inexperienced employees with no time allotted to train them had not helped increase their productivity to m…
John Tory announces new “Vision Zero money spent on road safety” initiative
TORONTO, ON ― After years of failure to deliver road safety measures that in any way resemble the innovative Swedish program whose name they bear, John Tory recently unveiled plans for a more att…
Local man wishes there was more he could do about Roe v. Wade
WILMINGTON, DELAWARE ― With the ramifications of the reversal of Roe v. Wade beginning to ripple across the country, pro-choice Americans are seeking out ways of helping maintain access to aborti…
Tim Hortons announces plan to branch out into coffee, doughnut markets
OAKVILLE, ON ― In the face of stiff competition, Tim Hortons, the iconic Brazilian chili, ice cream, and TimBieb-brand clothing chain, announced a revolutionary plan to turn their focus to classi…
“I don’t know anything about the other candidates” is both worst and best reason to vote for Ford
Halton Hills, ON ― Political analysts have determined that your grandfather’s rationale for voting Conservative in June of “I haven’t heard anything about this Del Duca guy” is complete bullshit,…
With Jackson hearings underway, Republicans regret squandering their supply of evil
LOCATION REDACTED ― The secret meeting of national Republican politicians was interrupted this week by the undisputed mastermind of American villainy, who was reportedly furious at his underlings…
Local fiancé insists that buying wedding rings in bulk is totally normal
CAMPBELLVILLE, ON ― Local man Tanner Kendall recently reassured his fiancée, Selena O’Neil, that he was buying his wedding rings in a 4-pack because it’s cheaper, and definitely not because he ha…
