VANCOUVER, BC ― A new analysis from the University of British Columbia has found that the number of languages in which an average North American adult is proficient enough to converse has fallen …
I’m your #84735 biggest fan, realistic man tells idol
GRAVENHURST, ON ― In what he describes as the fourth-best day of his life so far, local man Matthias Lane had a chance to meet his hero, Blue Rodeo vocalist Jim Cuddy, after a concert Saturday. T…
Parent who should absolutely never have had children demands say in child’s education
ORILLIA, ON ― Kyle Gardner, the father of four young children whose only hope for becoming decent humans is the public education system, is demanding the right to bypass the public education syst…
Stevia sales plummet as scientists roll out sugar substitute derived from sweet revenge
WATERLOO, ON ― As low-carb diets grow increasingly popular, a new calorie-free sweetener that passed safety testing this week promises to take the nutrition world by storm. “This is a big step. …
Revolutionary architect designs public washroom with door that pushes open from the inside
GOTHENBURG, SWEDEN ― Innovative young architect Matteus Persson recently unveiled the first public washroom door that can be pushed from the inside rather than pulled. Now open in a local restaur…
Florida student arrested after accidentally using wrong gender articles in Spanish class
LAKE CITY, FL ― A 10th-grade student has been taken into custody after she asked a friend to borrow “una bolígrafo” despite having been clearly taught that pens are male and should only be refere…
The 5 jobs that AI (probably) won’t take away
Well, here we are: after ignoring years of warnings that replacing warehouse workers and restaurant employees with robots was only the beginning, we’re now at the point where those entering the j…
DeSantis denounces woke soap companies that encourage consumers to “apply liberally”
TALLAHASSEE, FL. ― In an interview this week, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis took aim at the tyrannical sellers of hygiene and personal care products who routinely attempt to convert people to lib…
Study: Men who believe moon landing was faked less likely to believe orgasms can be faked
STANFORD, CA ― Belief in a massive, logistically impossible conspiracy theory wherein NASA has spent more time pretending they went to the moon than it took them to actually go there does not sug…
Newfoundland finally updates name to Oldfoundland
OLDFOUNDLAND AND LABRADOR ― In a move being described by millions of Canadian pedants as “about time,” Newfoundland is relinquishing its hold on its increasingly inaccurate name to become Oldfoun…
