LOS ANGELES – Marvel fans everywhere are abstaining from all social contact, in-person and online, from the release of the latest highly-anticipated film until the start time printed on the…
“I’ll probably be shot before I graduate” replaces “my dog ate it” as #1 American homework excuse
WASHINGTON, DC ― According to reports from teachers in dozens of states, the classic excuse “my dog ate it” has been displaced in favour of citing the futility of studying for a life that will be…
Average number of languages spoken by North Americans falls to 0.7
VANCOUVER, BC ― A new analysis from the University of British Columbia has found that the number of languages in which an average North American adult is proficient enough to converse has fallen …
I’m your #84735 biggest fan, realistic man tells idol
GRAVENHURST, ON ― In what he describes as the fourth-best day of his life so far, local man Matthias Lane had a chance to meet his hero, Blue Rodeo vocalist Jim Cuddy, after a concert Saturday. T…
Parent who should absolutely never have had children demands say in child’s education
ORILLIA, ON ― Kyle Gardner, the father of four young children whose only hope for becoming decent humans is the public education system, is demanding the right to bypass the public education syst…
Stevia sales plummet as scientists roll out sugar substitute derived from sweet revenge
WATERLOO, ON ― As low-carb diets grow increasingly popular, a new calorie-free sweetener that passed safety testing this week promises to take the nutrition world by storm. “This is a big step. …
Revolutionary architect designs public washroom with door that pushes open from the inside
GOTHENBURG, SWEDEN ― Innovative young architect Matteus Persson recently unveiled the first public washroom door that can be pushed from the inside rather than pulled. Now open in a local restaur…
Florida student arrested after accidentally using wrong gender articles in Spanish class
LAKE CITY, FL ― A 10th-grade student has been taken into custody after she asked a friend to borrow “una bolígrafo” despite having been clearly taught that pens are male and should only be refere…
The 5 jobs that AI (probably) won’t take away
Well, here we are: after ignoring years of warnings that replacing warehouse workers and restaurant employees with robots was only the beginning, we’re now at the point where those entering the j…
DeSantis denounces woke soap companies that encourage consumers to “apply liberally”
TALLAHASSEE, FL. ― In an interview this week, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis took aim at the tyrannical sellers of hygiene and personal care products who routinely attempt to convert people to lib…
