HAMILTON, ON ― Inside sources report that your boss soon plans to announce a major promotion for Nathan Crane, a coworker currently working the same position as you. A significant factor in the …
Increased prevalence of public nudity as cost of clothing surpasses fines
BURNABY, BC ― As inflation runs rampant and dress codes grow more relaxed, more people are dispensing with clothing altogether, prompting calls for public officials to increase fines for indecent…
Protesters trying to block road frustrated to find every Ottawa road already closed for construction
OTTAWA, ON ― A group of protesters trying to generate enough chaos to gather national publicity was forced to concede defeat today, after their efforts to impede traffic illegally were foiled by …
Grinch reverts to old ways as price of roast beast skyrockets under inflation
WHOVILLE, AB ― Reports from Whoville, a remote town outside Banff, indicate that its most famous resident has returned to his old domicile on a cold mountaintop on the outskirts of town. After se…
Asshole overusing perfume has temerity to be offended at you holding your nose
GATINEAU, QC ― For reasons unknown to civil society, the jackass who just got off a crowded elevator cloaked in a cloud of vile, sickly-sweet toxic gas with a five-meter radius thinks that you’re…
Frustrated driver keeps one wheel in bike lane to show cyclists how it’s used
TORONTO, ON ― Fed up with cyclists slowing traffic in the car lanes they’re legally entitled to use, local driver Hugh Weaver is taking it upon himself to show them how it’s done. “I never unders…
Child affected by book bans occupies time watching pornography and violent videos instead
PETERBOROUGH, ON ― Local child Raymond Connor, 9, has drastically improved his skills at multiple first-person shooter games this past month, as book bans have come into effect at his school boar…
Paranoid parent checks child’s trick-or-treat haul for rainbow-coloured candies
BELLEVILLE, ON ― In order to prevent anybody from slipping in something that might cause no end of imaginary harm to her daughter, local mother Jenna Bailey instructed her 8-year-old today not to…
Single-serve coffee maker produces exactly the right amount for ⅙ of a person
LONDON, ON ― 22-year-old Dorian Bishop, a fourth-year medical student at Western University, reports that the single-serve coffee maker he recently purchased is falling far short of expectations.…
Grocers eager to stabilize prices at 500% of pre-pandemic values
OTTAWA, ON― Representatives for Loblaw, Metro, and Empire have responded with enthusiasm to Justin Trudeau’s recent ultimatum requiring them to curb inflation, which is now running at 4%. “We wan…