Miami Florida- This morning the Kraft Heinz Corporation, who produce the beloved snack Bagel Bites announced that they will be discontinuing the deeply unpopular alternative, Bagel Chewed. Bagel…
Pornhub to drop F from MILF in observance of Mother’s Day
Montreal, Quebec, Canada- The Canadian owned internet pornography video-sharing website Pornhub has announced that, in honour of Mother’s Day, it will be removing the word “Fuck” From its MILF t…
Canadian government releases PSA reintroducing the concept of time
Ottawa, ON – Following over a year of pandemic induced lockdown, a government PSA seeks to help Canadians rethink their relations to the fourth dimension. “The first step is to re…
NASA warns alien life may not be fuckable
WASHINGTON – Following a recent uptick in UFO interest, NASA cautioned curious citizens against the notion that extraterrestrial life will be sexually desirable. NASA’s interstellar s…
Experts warn city pipes unequipped for sudden influx of pubes following vaccine availability
OTTAWA – A panel of experts concluded earlier today that the nation’s infrastructure is ill-prepared for the onslaught of pubic hair that will accompany widespread covid immunity. “We…
Goldfish purchased to teach classroom about mortality no longer really necessary
Whitby, ON – The goldfish that elementary school teacher Lenore Kerdwin acquired in order to acclimatize her students to loss has become irrelevant in light of recent events. “I thoug…
Death of print media leaves spy exposed
REDACTED – The widespread proliferation of newspapers once guaranteed covert operatives like John Stuggs a portable piece of cover, now agents like him are left with only their smartphones …
Legault to reinstate holiday gatherings if Quebecers promise to kiss on only one cheek
Montreal – Following backlash after cancelling holiday gatherings, Quebec Premier Francois Legault suggested that Quebecers could see friends and relatives if they swear to only kiss them o…
