HOUSTON, TX – After passing one year ago today while undergoing treatment for esophageal cancer, the wandering ethereal remains of author and staunch skeptic Christopher Hitchens continues to doubt his own existence as a non-corporeal consciousness drifting through time and space, barely able to interact with the world of the living.
“People have been telling ghost stories for thousands of years in a vain attempt to relieve the fear of death. The idea of life after life, somehow living but dead, is nothing more than willful ignorance and childish superstition,” said Hitchens, comforting himself in the face of his surprising ontological status in a séance yesterday.
“Mr. Hitchens is still himself in the afterlife, holding onto the same beliefs he had in life, which keep him from passing over to the other side,” said paranormal psychologist, Charles Krieg.
Hitchens commented that he is happy to have seemingly overcome his cancer, and even happier that he now is able to occupy his time by somehow entering the dreams of evangelist preachers to argue and belittle their small opinions. But he is curious as to why he no longer craves basic things, such as food and water.
“Many cancer patients do complain of appetite loss during treatment, but so far as I know, I’m the only one that has absolutely no appetite or thirst after the fact. So far my physicians have refused to see me, all screaming at me to return from whence I came, so I am left with no scientific redress to my anomalous predicament,” said the confused polemicist spectre.
As for crossing over in the future, Krieg says it’s up to Hitchens, but added,
“It’s a little ironic for someone who believed that the truth shall set him free, to be bound to our world after shedding his mortal coil simply because he refuses to believe in his own everlasting soul.”
To which Hitchens replied, “I don’t normally indulge in fallacious arguments from authority but, seriously, who are you going to believe? Me – a columnist for Vanity Fair – or some quack “paranormalist” published in UFO Magazine?” with a self satisfied smirk across his translucent ghostly face.
