VANCOUVER – Local bachelor Louie Kaplansky expressed extreme pride this week, when he successfully managed not to kill a cactus he recently acquired.
“I usually don’t do well with living things,” admitted Kaplansky, stroking the pot containing his plant. “[My ex-girlfriend] Barbara said I had a fear of commitment, but it’s more of a deep, abiding disinterest in people other than myself. I actually thought she was right until I didn’t let this cactus die.”
Kaplanksy is especially proud of keeping the plant alive during a tumultuous break-up period.
“Once I moved out of Barbara’s place into my own pad, somebody showed up with it as a housewarming gift. I was like, ‘oh no, you got the wrong guy. Plus I’m sad right now; that thing won’t last the night.’”
However, Kaplansky surprised himself by rising to the challenge, going so far as to give the plant a name. “I call her Paris Hilton, because she’s beautiful and fragile, and really slow.”
Over time, Kaplansky became increasingly obsessed with doting on his plant, and proud of his powerful green thumb.
“Yeah, at first it was just tap water, but then I thought Paris would probably like the bottled stuff. I read somewhere that cacti live in arid regions, so I looked up their optimal temperature on Wikipedia. It’s hot as hell in here, but her comfort is much more important than mine.”
When pushed for more details, Kaplansky revealed additional growing techniques, such as singing to Paris, and occasional weekend misting.
“I guess Barbara was wrong. I am a gentle soul.”
Many friends of Kaplansky’s have chosen not to point out that the cactus in question was of the plastic display variety, easily purchased at any department store.
“Look at this thing, it’s an embarrassment,” remarked Kaplansky’s brother Phil. “How could Louie not notice that massive puddle of water on the floor? The guy is a total narcissist.”
