OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has announced a national design-and-build competition for the restoration of 24 Sussex Drive, the winner of which will receive full blame for their efforts.
The official residence has been vacant for a decade due to problems with mould, asbestos, and pests such as previous Prime Ministers. The contest to restore the 32-room structure is open to Canadian firms, and the winning bidder will be responsible for both construction and nationwide scrutiny if their design is chosen.
“It’s win-win, in the sense that I get to win twice,” said Prime Minister Carney. “Not only will the successful firm face the inevitable shit-storm over how it looks, they’ll also be the ones eviscerated by the press over building delays and cost overruns.” Mr. Carney then straightened his tie, which PMO aides note “is his equivalent to a fist pump”.
Carney notes that the lucky contractors will have their prize delivered by 40.5 million Canadians, all of whom are known for their knee-jerk second guessing of all government initiatives, as well as a judgemental aversion towards “wasting money on anything too nice”.
Procurement Minister Joël Lightbound agrees. “The winners of this competition won’t just be masters of their craft, they will have the honour of being human shields, protecting all Liberals from derision and scorn. It will be an honour to huddle behind them.”
Mr. Carney said he’s most excited by the creative freedom the initiative offers. “We’re giving our most talented designers and builders the ultimate gift: a blank canvas. Because they could renovate this dump into a Swiss Chalet Express, for all I care. I’ll have nothing to do with it, and all the more time freed up to bail out wealthy condo developers.”
