GRAND PRAIRIE – With spring finally underway, 34-year-old resident Inna Bondaruk reports she is looking forward to enjoying the approximately 23 days of tolerable weather between the end of a harsh, unforgiving winter and the start of terrifying, uncontrollable wildfires.
“It’s just so nice to go outside and take a deep breath that doesn’t freeze both of my nostrils shut or fill my lungs with the acrid smoke of a 20,000 hectare fire that burns in defiance of all efforts to contain it, just as mankind’s hubris continues to burn in defiance of the natural world,” said Bondaruk. “So yeah, I am really planning to make the most out of these next 3.2 weeks. I’ll probably go camping.”
Bondaruk added, “Of course, my allergies are going to be so horrific during those 23 days that my sinuses will basically be two itchy water balloons full of mucus, but it still beats breathing in a lungful of smoke.”
On the east coast, residents say they are holding out for the 18 days that come between life-threatening heatwaves and the peak of hurricane season.
“You know those two-and-a-half weeks at the end of August when you’re no longer begging God for death just to escape from the relentless heat, but you’re not yet constantly refreshing hurricane projection maps to see if God is planning to send death crashing down upon you from the sea? Yeah, that’s the good stuff,” said Bridgewater resident Matthew MacInnes. “I really try to get the most out of my patio furniture before the first storm flings it all into my neighbour’s tree.”
“And with the cost of gas and electricity and heating oil being what they are, these are probably the only 18 days this year that I can afford to keep my house at a reasonable temperature that humans can live at,” added MacInnes.
When polled, BC residents say they most enjoy the 6 days between the departure of UBC students and the start of tourist season, and Northern residents say they’re just trying to enjoy whatever days they have left before global warming melts the permafrost and begins a series of irreversible chain reactions that wipe out their entire biome.
