VANCOUVER – Explosions rocked Vancouver’s downtown core Saturday afternoon as dozens of TikTokers forced their way into the Church of Scientology, only to be repelled by the force of actor Tom Cruise sprinting through the crowd.
The dynamic force of Cruise’s superhuman running met the immovable object of desperate influencers vying for attention en masse on social media. The impact caused a sudden and intense release of kinetic energy, throwing bodies everywhere.
“There were no injuries,” Vancouver Police Constable Daniel Chan told reporters, as the star of the Mission Impossible franchise sprinted past. “But it was very cool.”
The protest, nominally intended to draw attention to controversies surrounding the Church of Scientology, was part of a new online trend, called “Scientology speedrunning”. This involves protestors swarming and overwhelming a Church of Scientology, and posting the results to TikTok. Cultural observers have noted similar events in New York and Los Angeles, two major centres of arts and culture where there is nothing else for young people to do, apparently.
Many Vancouver protestors did a “Naruto run” in which they imitate an anime character who runs with his arms stretched out stiffly behind him. These protestors, it should be noted, are mostly adults.
The Church of Scientology has faced scrutiny in the past regarding its aggressive legal tactics, harassment campaigns, reports of human trafficking, and financial irregularities. Then Church did not respond to reports that Tom Cruise was called to active duty specifically by Scientology leader David Miscavige, from his secret headquarters beneath a volcano.
“I will use every tool at my disposal to defend my religion from these suppressive persons,” the sixty-two year old actor, whose adult daughter does not use his last name, said. “Whether it’s jogging, running, or sprinting. I will catch them before they attack our tax sheltered places of worship.”
“And, by the way, Shelley Miscavige is absolutely fine,” Cruise added, in response to nobody, before sprinting off to a departing helicopter where he grabbed onto a landing skid and was lifted above the Vancouver skyline.
