QUEEN’S PARK – Salt-of-the-earth Ontarian Premier Doug Ford acknowledged that the province had made the ultimate sacrifice of getting him a used private jet for the discounted price of just $28.9 million.
The province considered several options for this obviously non-negotiable form of transport, according to sources willing to speak for the notoriously-bashful Premier.
“We narrowed it down to five options, and told him there was this sweet Hawker 900XP for $3.7 million that sounded perfect,” explained Minister of Transport Prabmeet Singh. “But the Premier took one look, and said, ‘Oh, don’t go making a big fuss about me, I can make do with something under thirty mil.”
Routing the announcement through a statement to CBC News to avoid looking like Ford was humble-bragging, Singh continued, “So we just went with this old thing. It needs reupholstering, but the Premier won’t hear a word of it. Such a saint of a fellow. I only wish I could be as morally upright as him, but what can I say? I like my creature comforts.”
Political scientist Laurie Fréchette at Carleton University explained that private jets are a necessity now that the Premier has removed bike lanes, resulting in increased traffic and thus the infeasibility of either bikes or cars as modes of transport. “And of course, you can’t take the train as Premier. We all know how late Via Rail always is, and we couldn’t have him being late to photo ops or meetings to sell off parts of the Greenbelt.”
“There’s no way around it: a Premier needs a jet. I can’t imagine how he’s made it this long without one, but it’s admirable,” notes Fréchette. “And now? We’re really lucky to have a leader who doesn’t spend a cent more on this stuff than strictly required, no matter the deprivation.”
Singh confirmed that assessment. “We wanted to avoid this, really. But, assuming an average cost of $300, that money would only have covered about 96,300 round-trip flights from Ottawa to Toronto. Not even a hundred thousand. So this was unavoidable. Also, Quebec spent more per plane when they bought three of this model, and two were new. So there.”
48-year-old Jennifer Silver, a single mother of three from Odessa, summarized the reactions of thousands of fellow Ontarians. “I get it. I have to buy all my sons’ clothing at Goodwill, and they’re eating me out of house and home since they hit their teens. And gas prices are ridiculous, so of course when you’re buying the vehicle, you pinch pennies where you can.”
Silver paused to try to get her autistic middle son’s wheelchair over a pothole in the sidewalk. “Now there’s a Premier who’s for the people!”
