LONDON — Nestled comfortably in one of several fortified castles that she calls home, the Head of State of 18 nations and direct descendant of the iron-fisted Tudors noted that she was looking forward to a quiet celebration of her 92nd birthday.
“Oh, I think I’ll just watch the telly,” The Queen stated with substantial gravitas before spending four to five minutes convincing her small corgi, Montel, to eat a cookie. “He’s such a little joy,” said the woman who believes God put her on earth to rule over her fellow man.
In addition to the Queen’s personal plans, there will be several state events scheduled to celebrate the Windsor Monarchy. The Tower of London – the building that once housed and brutally tortured the political prisoners of Queen Elizabeth II’s ancestors – will be the sight of a tasteful lightshow that aims to pay tribute to the Queen’s love of quilting and cucumber sandwiches.
“To be honest most of the events that we’re asked to organize are a little more hard-core,” stated Event Director and Lighting Expert Alex Hinds, “But whenever we tried to orchestrate a more exciting light show by focusing on the systematic burning of Catholics and Protestants that occurred under the English Monarchy throughout the 16th, 17th and 18th Centuries or the crushing taxation instituted by King James II that led to the Glorious Revolution, the Queen was pretty put off. She’s just not that kind of ruler.”
Asked if she expects any presents, Queen Elizabeth II made it clear that she wasn’t expecting anything in particular.
“I just want everyone to enjoy my party,” the Elderly Queen commented with a hopeful smile that belied her capacity to make laws at will. ”As long as my cute great-grandson George, who will one day inherit my role of ‘Monarch of all British People Beyond the Sea and Defender of the Faith’, has fun then that will just make my day.”
