TORONTO – The cast and crew of the current Toronto production of Come From Away have debuted a new ending where instead of forming lasting bonds of friendship, the people of Gander, Newfoundland wise up and beat the stuffing out of the stranded Americans.
“Given the current political climate, we figured a play about Canadians welcoming American visitors and treating them with kindness wouldn’t go over well. Even Newfoundland has limits,” said director Christopher Ashley, overseeing a dress rehearsal where the actors, crew, and some of the pit band start beating on the actors playing American visitors while singing one of the new numbers.
“Welcome to The Rock if you come from the States,
Then you’re probably gonna get a big fist in the face
Think you’re gonna annex us, you better think again
Yanks are gonna learn you don’t fuck with Newfoundland!
We’ll hit ya with a Rock!”
In the musical’s new ending, instead of the American passenger returning home and expressing their joy at making friends in Canada, a time-traveling Mike Myers arrives from the future to warn the residents of Gander of the upcoming threats to our sovereignty and economic chaos from the US. This prompts the townsfolk to lose all sympathy for their American guests, and begin physically assaulting them.
“I mean, this play is all about Canadian values, and those values nowadays are how we would rather turn every American into paste rather than let them plant their flag on Parliament Hill,” says actor Saccha Dennis, who plays American Hannah O’Rorke. “I just hope that the breakaway bottle of screech I’m supposed to get hit with arrives by opening night.”
In addition to the play’s new ending and final number, several more nationalist songs have also been added to the playbill, such as “Blankets and Beatings”, “Bleed Out Through the Night” and “Stop the World So’s We Can Wail on These Yankee Bastards a Bit More”.
Early reviews of the new version of the play have been overwhelmingly positive, with critics praising the addition of Americans literally being heaved from the stage, as well as a splash zone for patrons who want to be splattered by fake American blood. Splash zone tickets are mainly found in the plays’ new VIP package, which also includes a backstage pass where you can throw fish and cheese at the Americans, or just get a photo of yourself punching them.
A recent survey of real-life Gander residents confirms that even though this is far from what actually happened, 73% of the population would for sure kick the crap out of American passengers if they found themselves grounded in their town again.
If successfully mounted, this new version of Come From Away will be the 2nd most violent Broadway musical after the original ending to Hairspray.
