SAINT JOHN, NB – Following an elaborate series of funeral rites, employees of J.D. Irving’s funerary services division have completed the entombment of New Brunswick’s residents and land into the crypt of Arthur Irving, so that they may accompany him in the afterlife.
“And now it is done,” said the priest, sealing the granite slab doors of the pyramid now containing the body of Arthur Irving and the entirety of the country’s least favourite maritime province.
With all of New Brunswick’s 776,827 residents and 72,908 square kilometres of territory now sealed up inside the elaborate structure, all that is left is a giant hole stretching between
Quebec and Nova Scotia, “exactly as Arthur would’ve wanted it.”
A spokesman for J.D. Irving Co. assured reporters that in addition to all of New Brunswick, Arthur Irving was buried with everything else he needed to avoid eternal chaos in the underworld. This included: all the materials needed to build a pipeline, and, sealed into the chamber next to his own, his closest, most highly valued relations: 500 Bermudan tax lawyers.
Additionally, the spokesman explained, a series of elaborate traps will prevent grave robbers from making off with the private jets and government cash stored within.
The absence of New Brunswick, along with the giant pyramid visible in most parts of Maine, Quebec, and Nova Scotia, has been noticed by those in the rest of Canada.
“Things were a little confusing at first, before we eventually noticed that New Brunswick wasn’t there anymore,” admitted Minister of Intergovernmental Affairs Dominic LeBlanc. “But I suspect we’ll manage just fine without it.”
At press time, Arthur Irving’s death had Galen Weston wistfully thinking of the day where, on floating out onto a lake atop a massive funeral pyre, he would be set alight along with the entire province of Ontario.
