TORONTO – The website of the Liquor Control Board of Ontario, North America’s largest distributor of liquor and wine, was hacked last night by the notorious online group Anonymous Alcoholics.
Anonymous Alcoholics are a loosely associated global network of highly inebriated hackers, who aim to disrupt anyone they perceive as against the free flowing of intoxicating liquids.
For seven hours, users visiting the website lcbo.com would only find a shakily filmed video with a masked man demanding that 12 steps be taken immediately or they “won’t be responsible for [their] actions.”
First, the video demands all prices be lowered, especially on hard liquor, high-proof beer and sherry, and that the LCBO get rid of the minimum age of alcohol purchase along with all “asshole bartenders who cut you off for no reason.”
Never actually reaching 12 demands, the last concrete step before trailing off was for the LCBO to offer free home delivery to those living with blinds drawn and don’t feel like going outside today, leading the digitally enhanced voice to choke up and admit that life was just really hard sometimes, and lonely, and it would be just nice if someone just came over who wasn’t trying to get you to come outside and go to rehab.
Given the state of obvious drunkenness, security experts are baffled as to how the group is even able to stand, let alone coordinate a take-down of an entire website.
However the group shows no sign of stopping their assault as they have already moved on to publishing the private information of Beer store employees who “cheap out” on bottle returns, and hacking the twitter accounts of whoever made Laker Lager more than a buck a beer.
At press time, a man in a basement somewhere is drunkenly shovelling down cold, left over poutine through a Guy Fawkes mask.
