Can the Conservatives pull off a fourth mandate? Here’s how they intend on doing it:
Key Beliefs:
Nobody’s business, that’s what
Policy Priorities:
Delivering a budget that is balanced in every respect except for money
Protecting Canada from the inevitable Russian-ISIS-Long-form census alliance before it’s too late
Ensuring the Finance Department never posts another recession by severely cutting their budget, powers
How they intend to win:
Keeping their aging supporters alive until October 20th.
Hope everyone is too exhausted from all those ‘Fuck Harper’ Facebook posts to actually vote
Specific Plans
Foreign Policy: The Prime Minister could use a few more Israeli bird sanctuaries named after him
Energy: Pipelines for all!
Refugees: Will begin accepting every Syrian refugee whose heartbreaking story gets 10,000 retweets
Childcare: Helping wealthy families tip their gardener with the Universal Child Care credit
Veterans: Who?
Arts: Stephen Harper’s jam band, the Van Cats, will play at your bar mitzvah for half the usual price.
Women: Get Laureen to say more than two consecutive words to Stephen at Sunday dinner.
Plans for the Future:
Federal Election 2019
