MOSCOW – Russian President Vladimir Putin has announced the successful development of the world’s first COVID-19 vaccine, which was rigorously tested on his political opponents and journalists.
All three phases of clinical trials have now been completed thanks to a number of oligarchs convicted in show trails, LGBT activists under house arrest, and disloyal state governors.
“Anti-corruption protesters generously donated their blood livers for vaccine research,” explained Putin. “Our scientists have successfully used pre-existing research on anti-war demonstrators to develop an Ebola vaccine, so we were halfway there.”
Russia is expected to begin a country-wide vaccination campaign, which is expected to inoculate and/or kill millions.
Test subjects were reported to be happy and healthy, though some side-effects included leaping out of seven-storey windows.
The Russian leader said that the country would be willing to share the vaccine with the US so long as Donald Trump is re-elected.
